Peer-Review Formal Report Draft for Kathryn Simone

To: Kathryn Simone, ENGL 301 Technical Writing Student

From: Sydney Storie, ENGL 301 Technical Writing Student

Date: August 6, 2020

Subject: Peer Review of Determining Feasibility of Healthy Hospital Food in Canada

Your peer-review for ‘Determining Feasibility of Healthy Hospital Food in Canada’ is completed, your review includes overall impressions and recommendations for your report.

First Impressions

Following previous recommendations from the initial peer-review, you provided clear definitions of the technical terms. You respectfully defined the statement of the problem and the purpose of the report in a concise manner. Including quotes and data provides strong evidence to capture the reader’s attention.

The survey results represented in Figure 2 were enjoyable to read. The inclusion of written responses within your survey allowed for outside perspectives for recommendations on how to improve the food in the Health Care Systems. This provides additional support from the inside as the survey respondents were employees of Lions Gate Hospital. Overall, your report was detailed, well organized and emphasized positive YOU-attitude. Below are suggestions that can enhance your report.

Content

• Your report is an appropriate length and sources were appropriately referenced using MLA style as required.
• The introduction provides a clear understanding of why the food served in the hospital is problematic, there is significant evidence to back up the issue you have brought into account.
• Introduction:
  • Following the previous peer-review, recommendations were followed, and you have defined the important technical terms, such as carcinogens.
  • Providing evidence from sources supports the issue at hand and captures the reader’s attention.
  • There is sufficient information to understand the problem and the intent behind the proposal is clearly stated.
• Collected Data:
  • Labelling the subheadings allows the reader to easily navigate throughout sections of the paper.
  • Making sure to introduce each Figure in the paragraph allows for the reader to acknowledge that there is statistical data to be reviewed.
• Conclusion:
  • Providing an outline detailing the necessary information needed for the conclusion allows for coherence.
  • Stating your recommendation list at the end allows the reader to acknowledge your suggestions.
  • Providing longitudinal data enhances the proposed solution and allows for others to provide ongoing research within that area.

Organization

• The headings provided a clear understanding of the topic being discussed under each section.
• Deleting a space between the paragraph in the research method section reduces the gap between the primary sources and secondary sources paragraph.
• Centring the appropriate headings at the top of the page under each new section allows for easier navigation.
  • Ex) Centering Collected Data in the middle of the page as it is a new section.
  • Ex) Revising the conclusion title to Conclusion, as II., was previously used for the Collected Data section.
• Breaking up big paragraphs of texts allows for a smoother read without getting lost in the text.
  • Breaking up the following paragraphs can be as follows:

Background of Hospital Food in Canada

“It is thus surprising that hospital patients in Canada are served processed meals high in salt, sugar, and cholesterol.”

“These meals put vulnerable patients at risk for longer stays and decreased health, especially long-term patients who will be consuming these meals over long periods of time. At the same time, Canadian hospitals must be economical and see treating patients, rather than feeding them, as a priority. Hospitals devote about one per cent of their total budget to food, which breaks down to an  average of $8 per patient a day (CBC News, 2012).

Overview of Problem and Purpose of Report

“Importantly, although The Canadian Medical Association and Canadian Healthcare Association both have policies on the importance of food and nutrition, neither have taken a position on the issue of hospital food to date (Kidd, 2018).”

“The purpose of this report is to analyze the economic feasibility of providing healthy hospital foods to patients, as well as how this would affect patient outcome.”

Style

• Appropriate use of YOU-attitude throughout your report.
• Clear use of a professional and respectful tone.
• Regarding the research methods section, a revision in the following sentences can reduce wordiness:
  • Original: My primary data sources will include consultations with…
    • Revision: My primary data sources include consultations with…
  • Original: Secondary sources will include publications on nutrition…
    • Revision: Secondary sources include publications on nutrition …

Design

• Bolding the title makes the report more compelling
• Adding ‘technical writing’ beside your name allows for additional recognition.
  • Ex) English 301 Technical Writing Student
• Including the date at the end of the title page allows the reader to know and look back at your proposal date.
• Including page numbers at the top right-hand corner creates organization and navigation.
• Revising the page numbers in the table of contents.
  • Consider the title page as page 1, followed by the table of contents on page 2, then abstract, and introduction.
• Making sure the Works Cited page is on a new page. The Works Cited does not need to be underlined or bolded.
• Having the hanging indent applied to the sources on the Works Cited page follows MLA guidelines.
• Figures are effectively labelled, and the surveys are well designed, with a clear description.

Grammar

• Removing unnecessary commas reduces grammatical errors. Consider revising the following sentences:
  • Original: Organization released a report placing processed meat in the highest-risk category for carcinogens (a formation of substances causing cancer), and
    • Revision: Organization released a report placing processed meat in the highest-risk category for carcinogens (a formation of substances causing cancer) and
•  Revising sentences to reduce wordiness:
  • Original: These meals put vulnerable patients at risk for longer stays and decreased health, especially long-term patients who will be consuming these meals over long periods of time.
    • Revision: These meals put vulnerable patients at risk for longer stays and decreased health, especially long-term patients who will be consuming these meals over long periods.
  • Original: Hospitals devote about one per cent of their total budget to food, which breaks down to an average of $8 per patient a day (CBC News, 2012).
    • Revision: Hospitals devote about one percent of their total budget to food
•  Pluralize ‘patient outcomes’:
  • Original: The purpose of this report is to analyze the economic feasibility of providing healthy hospital foods to patients, as well as how this would affect patient outcome.
    • Revision: The purpose of this report is to analyze the economic feasibility of providing healthy hospital foods to patients, as well as how this would affect patient outcomes.
•  Changing the numerical number to a written number
  • Research methods Section:
    • Original: as well as giving 9 current registered nurses a digital survey…
      • Revision: as well as giving nine current registered nurses a digital survey
•  Capitalizing the appropriate words
  • Making sure to capitalize the word Hospital under the research methods section and the list of conclusions sections, as it is a place ‘Lions Gate Hospital’.

Concluding comments

Your report demonstrates the health concerns behind serving unhealthy food to hospital patients, throughout the report you have provided substantial evidence and strong support to back up your proposed solution in supplying healthier meals for hospital patients. Your report provided a respectful, positive tone throughout with thorough use of the YOU-attitude. In reviewing your report, the above recommendations can enhance your report. If you have any questions regarding the above recommendations, please do not hesitate to contact me.

Thank you.

Kathryn Simone Formal Report Draft