Formal Report Review for Glen – Aran

To: Glen Kavalinus
From: Aran Chang
Date: August 7, 2020
Subject: Peer Review of the Formal Report

Hello Glen,

Glen, thank you for completing this informative first draft on creating an Tobacco free campus at North island College. The report includes illuminating data and thoughtful suggestions. To assist you in your report, the below are a list of suggestions: 

First Impressions

• This is a thoughtful report well-supported by data. Excellent work!
• The report has clearly identified the problem and aspects for improvement
• The report contains compelling survey results that support all aspects of the proposer’s hypothesis, making the proposed well-grounded
• The proposed solutions are detailed and practical

Introduction

• The scope of inquiry is clearly presented
• All the questions are properly answered by the survey data
• All the questions are properly addressed by the proposed solution

Data Section

• The survey method is clearly stated
• With regard to the section on staff and parent survey, it would be helpful to group the responses into manageable categories, such as concerns regarding health of children, staff, general complaints, smell, etc.
• It would be useful to provide more information on the conflicting interest area of the study. Perhaps there may be reasons for the conflicting interests such as available support, availability of the areas, convenience of the area, or general disagreement to the want to quit smoking.
• With regard to Fig. 9, please consider the revision: “Locations of Second-Hand Smoke Exposure”
• With regard to Fig. 7, it is difficult to read the responses within the bar-graph. Please consider changing the bar graph to become horizontal instead of vertical so that the labels of the graph are not overlapping. Additionally, there are three bars that contain the same answer, in varying formats. It would be helpful if the answers were compiled so that similar answers are grouped

Summary and Proposed Solution

• The section presents very specific and detailed solutions
• The solutions are clearly organized with bullet points
• It would be beneficial to list the recommendations based on their viability, and provide reasons for their position, allowing readers to better assess the report.

Organization

• The report is clearly organized under headings, subheadings, and bulleted points
• The survey results are presented in accordance with proposed solutions
• It would be helpful to provide larger gaps between sections to more easily differentiate the larger parts of the report.
• It would be beneficial to space the paragraphs so that headings are not cut off between pages.
• On page 6, the second paragraph is lacking an indentation to indicate a new paragraph

 

Content

• Overall the report was concise, informative and compelling.
• Good introduction providing contextual information regarding the state of NIC and the smoking problems that is discussed throughout the report
• The last paragraph is important to compel the reader that the report is relevant, important and beneficial
• The background on tobacco health risks is detailed and exhaustive. Good job in using the YOU attitude to make the reader feel concern.
• There is mention of only three available designated smoking areas, while NIC protocol requires five. Depending on the nature of your report, it may be beneficial to omit this section as to not compromise the point of the report.
• Throughout the report, there is varying use of NIC and North Island College. Please consider using the same format throughout.
• With regard to the smoking areas, please consider revising so that more emphasis is placed on the impact of second hand smoking in the area, while reducing the explanation of the location’s physical description. Use of visual aid will aid in the reader’s understanding.
• Good description of methods as they vary in background and source. It would be beneficial to specify or explain the value of each paper used in support of the report, as to provide context to their importance.
• Good use of diagrams in the data section to provide information.
• With regard to the student and staff survey, please consider providing the full survey results upfront before providing analysis.
• Additionally, please consider omitting the section on explain the number of available respondents as it may impact the effect of the report.
• Good use of graphs to provide visual aid the information provided.
• As stated previously, it would be beneficial to provide context to each of the recommendations to their viability and impact, based on the information gathered and presented through the report.

 

Style

• The writing overall implements the you attitude
• The tone is overall objective, positive, focusing on the solutions rather than complaining about the problems. Well done!
• Pronouns such as “you” and “I” are nicely avoided
• The tone can be softened if more attention is paid to imperative verbs. Perhaps consider the use of modalizing verbs to soften such cases.
• The report is overall nicely formatted
• In page 10, please consider listing the interviewees within a prose, rather than a list. This allows the reader to proceed with the document without becoming confused to the numbers beside the names of the interviewed.

 

Design

• The report contains rich and compelling graphical information
• As noted above, certain graphs can be reorganized to make visibility better
• As noted above, certain graphs data could be compiled to make data more visibly apparent (Such as Fig. 7)

Grammar

• In page 3 add ‘the’ in “exposure of young children to second-hand smoke and the health-related…”
• In page 3, please consider changing ‘now’ to ‘it’ “making it an ideal time to move towards a tobacco free campus.”
• In page 5 the second paragraph lacks an intention to indicate a new paragraph “While the effects of smoking…”
• In page 5, please consider the following revision “This is an alarming number…” to “The Alarming number of second hand smoke…”
• In page 6, please consider revising sections where there is an excess of information provided. Such as the following example: “The second-hand smoke exposure of children at Beaufort Children’s Society’s daycare is concerning because” can be revised to “Children at Beaufort Children’s Society’s daycare are exposed to second hand smoke resulting in an “increased risk…”
• In page 10, please consider providing the locations directly after the first sentence without the need of a second sentence to clarify the nature of the listing.
• In page 11, there is a possible typo “Due to limited access to staff and student emails and many people eon summer ” eon should be on.
• In page 13, please consider the remove of “they said” and simply list the findings as they were. For example “In the survey, eighty percent had heard of Beaufort Children’s center, but of those surveyed, only sixty percent showed concern about the proximity of the designated smoking area…”

 

Final Comments

Thank you again for drafting a thoughtful and well-grounded proposal that speak to all North Island College students’ concerns. Please let me know if you have any questions about my comments.

Link to Glen’s Formal Report: https://blogs.ubc.ca/engl301-98a-2020sa/2020/08/01/formal-report-draft-glen-kavaliunas/