Author Archives: queigh

Meet your new boyfriend?


Are you on Team Edward or Team Jacob?

we had to redo the 's' like five times before it was "Twilight enough"

AJ should have been the candidate to beat in this election—just like Bella should have been the star of the show. But just as we all got sick of Bella’s hemming and hawing with no action, AJ’s communications-only platform—and a few factual missteps during debates—made her a medium-strong candidate in an All-Star Race.

Let’s be clear: in any other year, we would have been happy to endorse AJ. She’s a great leader with real skills who’d do a great job as president. We have to give AJ a massive amount of credit for her work on the AMS referendum and SLC. But at the end of the day, we weren’t feeling it.

What were we feeling? That AJ’s campaign should have been for VP Administration. It’s the perfect fit for her longstanding relationships with student development. Her team-building skills would have revitalized the Clubs-based portfolios. And her interest in architecture and design are perfect for the New SUB. Even her emphasis on collaborative, clear communication in the AMS could have been achieved from this position.


So who did we endorse? check after the jump, in which we get so freaking serious. Yeah, we feel kinda weird about it too? But, like, this is important—it’s our relationship we’re talking about here. The AMS is totally our boyfriend.


Matt ran an incredible campaign. Ben ran an incredible campaign. And as many commentators pointed out, their positions on several key issues were the same. On the Gage South/land use/governance portfolio, by far the biggest upcoming issue, their answers were practically identical—and to give credit where credit is due, identically strong and student-focused.

Where the two candidates differed is in their vision of the AMS.

We don’t doubt that Matt sees the potential of the AMS, the largest student society in BC and one of the largest in Canada. We don’t doubt that he’s got big plans for the AMS—but he sure didn’t tell us about them.

Matt’s pledge is small change. Nobody’s going to give a shit—they’re never going to give a shit—and they’re going to continue to not give a shit. If we’ve learned one thing in our hours in the Ubyssey archives, it’s this. Campaigns used to talk to thousands of students in one three-week period—and student apathy was still the subject of scathing editorials that could have been written last week. If your biggest promise and the thing that sets you apart is to talk to a bunch of students, you’ve completely missed the point of what the AMS can accomplish.

Ben, on the other hand, referenced the big things the AMS can do. In fact, he brought it up time and time again in debates. And his big difference—his pledge to make us a leader across the province by fighting for a provincial lobbying group and joint lobbying initiatives—speaks to that vision of the AMS.

Some people may call us naive. Fuck those people. Student politics isn’t always about the cynical, it’s about what is reasonably ambitious. It’s about what we can accomplish with the combined power of nearly 50 thousand students, whether or not those students are aware of it. Revel in the reasonableness, as this election has been dubbed.

We’re endorsing Ben because of his ambitious vision for the AMS. And if Matt or AJ wins, we’d encourage them to think bigger and do the great job we know they can.


We realize this endorsement is not going to make everyone happy. This was a hard decision to make, and this post was delayed because frankly, we couldn’t make up our minds. Just like Bella, we were torn for three novel-length nights.

We’ve said it before, and we’ll say it again: AJ, in one perfect moment, summed up this entire Presidential race in her debate on Friday:

Congratulations to all three candidates for their excellent campaigns, intelligent responses and for making this the hardest endorsement for the best reasons.

This post was written by Kai and Taylor in the Gallery, and our endorsement is unanimous with the rest of our editorial staff.

INFOGRAPHIC: Still can’t decide?

LAZY STUDENTS. We’ve sorted through three very similar presidential campaigns to bring you this: one-sentence differences on five key issues, from the cost of education to imagining the AMS is a lady/gentleman you’re taking out on a date. Keep our chart open in another window while you’re voting!

All answers have been condensed and paraphrased from debates hosted by The Ubyssey and the AMS Elections committee, with attention to statements made in interviews. We’ve tried very fucking hard to present opinions with great accuracy and no bias, but as always, we encourage readers to read the originals and become EPIC FUCKING HACKS. Our summaries—and background information on the issues—are after the jump.

Really lazy? We’ll be putting up endorsements and semantics in the next 24 hours. Click this amazing infographic below and vote on.


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Presidential Debate highlights: Too many for Tuesday

Here’s our second paraphrased debate highlights, this time from Tuesday. Tuesday’s debates were much livelier, with plenty of joke questions from both floor and moderation. Our most pressing question, however, was this: Why did Matt Parson have his shoes off? Major gross.

TUESDAY TUESDAY gonna try to slyly reference my role in a fraternity on Tuesday?


Question 5. Imagine you’re taking the AMS out on a date. Describe the date.

B: I’d send her a text that said “Hey girl, what are you doing tonight?” Take her to my favourite Italian restaurant on Robson, because I’m Italian. We’d eat delicious pasta, either vegetarian or not, depending on what the AMS is. Beautiful red wine. We’d talk about things that are important to her.

AJ: We’d take advantage of all the great things that UBC has to offer. We could start the day at the Museum of Anthropology, then trek down to Beaty and stare at the whale. Afterward, we could go to Sage and order some wine on our meal cards, because I’m assuming the AMS lives in residence? And is a first year? Wait, no, I don’t want to date the AMS any more. … Um. And then we would go to a Council meeting together. [Editor’s note: this can actually be sexy]

M: Considering how old the AMS is, I don’t know what I could take her out to. Maybe some tea and cribbage? and then, after that, maybe take her back to the frat house.


Question 9. As president, would you endorse the UBC Undie Run? And would you lead the pack?

Matt: I was on the Ubyssey video last year, doing a flip off the diving board! Wait, I shouldn’t have said that. But of course I endorse it! It’s fantastic, and the clothes go to charity! This is what college is all about!

AJ: I don’t think the AMS should officially endorse it… because it would lose its cool factor. But I would be there, why not?

B: [Raising his eyebrows, making inappropriate eye contact.] Yes. (Jeremy McElroy: “Creepy.”)


16: Are you worried about abusing power? How would you meet the challenge of using your power wisely?

[Boring answers explicating the balance of power in the AMS.]

Matt: [In addition to all the things the other candidates said] my friends are always making fun of me.


18: Ben: Are you going to Jello wrestle with me on Wednesday?

AJ: …sure?

M: I’ve been watching WWF clips all week.


19: The current President, Jeremy McElroy, is known for his beard. In fact, he used it for his campaign posters. He’s known as the guy with the beard. How do you want to see yourself branded?

AJ: Visual imagery? Topknot, big glasses. My real answer? As a strong leader.

M: I guess glasses and plaid is the theme?

B: [Smirking, wiggling his face.] Hey, girl.

We’ve achieved immortality.

This post was written by Kai, who has never jello wrestled in her life. She has, however, apparently dated both the figurative and literal face of the AMS.

Presidential debate highlights: FRIDAY

Two presidential debates have happened in the past five days, none of which you watched. But I did, and then I transcribed and paraphrased them for a series of epic posts to come. We are trying to make this campaign somewhat amusing after it has been dubbed “REVEL IN THE REASONABLENESS”…so first up, FRIDAY!

(You can follow along by watching a very informative 30-minute video—and exploring the candidates interviews—here.) Otherwise, it’s on to

FRIDAY FRIDAY learning about your very similar approaches to governance on FRIDAY

AJ was asked by Brian, Cranky Old Man in Training and moderator, to expand on the “essay” she’s written justifying a Presidential run with no Council experience. AJ maintained that her leadership experience and development skills are the important qualification, not time on Council. But then she summed up the race as a whole: 

But only one can be the AMS’s boyfriend. Er, girlfriend. Sorry, we forgot about your difference.


Asked how they’d combat the War on Fun, engage student interest in AMS Events, and what level of subsidy they’d like to see for the same, candidates uniformly talked about that catch-all phrase, “student engagement.” But we appreciated Matt’s call-out to Arts County Fair, the last real party on campus, and how ACF engaged with students: 

That moment of absolute truth, taken in combination with Matt’s proposal of a promotions team for events, made his answer the strongest. He’s also the only candidate to reference the seamy past of Arshy Mann, Ubyssey Web Editor.

Legend has it, he was naked. Arshy, that is, not Matt. [For the story about when Matt was naked, you’ll have to stay tuned! no, seriously. he told this story.]


At one point, for five whole seconds, Ben Cappellacci stopped being his perfect, sex god meme of a self and forgot how to say ‘coordinating.’

Coming up next on So You Think You Can President we have hilarious quotes from Tuesday! So many good ones, we can hardly contain ourselves. Find out what they would do on a date with the AMS, and more! (Yes, there are answers involved that range from virginal freshmen to octogenarians*).

This post was written by Kai, who actually transcribed all of these god damn debates and will use her hard-earned 1.5 cents from each student to pay for her pending carpal tunnel.

*[Editor’s note: Taylor lost in the spelling bee finals when she was younger by misspelling “octogenarian” and has been looking for an excuse to use it ever since]

Poster critiques from a hideous man

Editor’s note: This screed, scribbled in coarse ink on coarser paper, appeared in the secret drop-box of our hidden office in the SUB. Although loathesome to look upon, can we learn lessons from this unknown scribe? Will its vitriol overshadow its truths?

I was loathe, at first, to comment upon the campaign posters for the Presidential race. As a child, I was not allowed to look at photographs or mirrors; Father said they were “ikons of Beelzebub,” and that man only apishly mimicked what the Lord God alone was able to create. Being a free-thinking individual, I am more liberal in my views. Still, looking upon these images created a stirring in my bowels, a physical sense of wrong. Forgive me if my queasiness shows through my words.

The man Cappellacci

Here is a fellow who is familiar with his own visage, and finds it pleasing. The even dispersal of hair upon his cheek suggests to me an individual who has never worked a day’s honest labour in his life, has neither gutted the earth for riches nor felled the giants of the forest for fuel to warm his family. And yet, his face-bones are roughly hewn, too roughly, methinks, for those of an oily Mediterranean. Perhaps his father should enquire after the activities of the Pollack milk-man? But I digress.

I would not fain call any woman a hoor who, upon looking into Cappellacci’s eyes, found her loins whetted. Verily, these are the eyes of a man who retains a boy’s fresh senses, yet acts and speaks with the vigour of a man. I once saw such eyes on the face of a sailor who dwelt for a time above the gin-shop in Town. He was not long there before three milkmaids bore his whelps. If I recall, he left in the night, never to return. The children, all, were born disfigured. A sorry affair, and a warning to the softer sex: Guard your wombs ‘gainst the man Cappellacci.

The man Parson

It has been said that I harbour a weakness for pretty mouths, and a prettier mouth I have never seen than upon the man Parson. Those sculpted lips and that forgiving chin make the mouth of my own dear Maw-Maw seem like the foam-flecked meat-hole of a sottish charcoal burner. I do not say this lightly. During my years in the workhouse, a pretty mouth was a valued thing. A man might amass his own weight in tobacco or molasses if he possessed an orifice so fine as Parson’s and put it to worthy labour. O, but I do not wish such a sentence upon poor Parson. His shoulders are so slender, his skin birch-pale. The workhouse would break him like a cur beneath the wheels of the Foreman’s wagon.

Parson wears spectacles, which elicits my distrust. What use has a man for spectacles, lest he be in the employ of the Bank, mislaying the honest Worker’s salt and bread with his wily scrivening? Glasses are the acoutrement of a Clerk, and a Clerk’s word is not worth the soft white skin that holds him together.

And yet! That mouth. Had I not given my heart, in Dream-Time, to the Doe of the Mountain, I might offer it to that mouth, in vain hope that its soft succor be my companion until death. But alas, I am married to the Mountain, as surely as Parson is married to the bank-man’s ledger.

The woman Koehn

In my land, it is not custom for a woman to bare the contours of her calves or to pose for portraits. I must admit that I am shocked by how boldly this “AJ” gazes upon her viewers. She is like the Sweet and Holy Mother of Our Lord, but inversed, all meekness and God-fearing replaced by a fury and heat to rival that of any hand-logger with a brandy-filled gut. I pity any man who crosses this Child of Lilith. She is a woman who turns bulls to steers.

And, speaking of live-stock: It seems “AJ” has been sectioned and quartered like a fine young shoat! Here, a cartooned dart labels her locks “passionate.” Another points to her elbow, declaring that it “Creates high-functioning teams.” Also, her knee is a “Collaborative leader.” I might go further, but the jest would grow stale.

At first I felt that a candidate so divided would poorly serve her office. However, upon further reflection, it occurs to me that a leader who governs by her elbow, her hair, her knees, etc. has an advantage over her opponents.

The stuffed shirts who head Industry and Government tend to be great proponents of the Brain, that mass of tissue believed (perhaps correctly) by the Ancients to serve only as a cooler of the blood. The Brain, in my mind, is a highly sentimentalized organ. Does a man hew a cedar and construct a winter food-cache with his head? Does a woman suckle her child at a teat growing from her scalp?

It is the greater Body that serves the greater Good. If “AJ” would guide us with the innate talents of her Earthly frame, then so be it. Surely she outshines the “head-strong” milquetoasts Parson and Capelacci. Were I a voting man, I would know where to mark my “X”.


This post was definitely not written by Bryce.

What dark magicks are these

Sometimes, doing this job means writing the hard-hitting analysis that no one else wants to take on. For me, today, that means pointing out the terrifying similarity between the vast majority of men in Vancouver current presidential candidate Matt Parson…

…and former AMS President Blake Frederick.


politically different, visually EXACTLY THE SAME, NO EXCEPTIONS

Old Hacks may remember Blake as the man so engaged with What Students Wanted that he and a fellow Pokemon executive petitioned the UN, claiming that, by charging tuition, Canadian universities were violating human rights. But at least their hearts were in the right place??

Matt, on the other hand, is the presidential candidate currently pledging to meet 1,000 new people during his reign as Unholy Overlord or he will forfeit actual paycheques. From

“I pledge to re-engage 1,000+ students, who I have no previous relationship with, from all across our campus, over my term as President, to hear:

  • What they have to say about the issues the AMS is championing
  • What they think the AMS is missing
  • What they think a healthy AMS could do to help their individual problems at UBC
  • Whatever else is on their mind regarding their University experience

For every week that I fail to meet my weekly goal (at least 20 students a week), I will donate 1/3rd of my weekly AMS salary to the AMS Endowment (or Foundation, pending approval of the Endowment). Additionally, if I fail to meet my goal of at least 1,000 students in authentic conversation on the issues, I will donate any eventual bonuses I may receive as President to the AMS Endowment.”

We applaud this creative effort to engage the everyday, uninformed, only marginally literate student! Of course, those of us who have lived with Real Working Presidents have seen the long hours associated with the job, and do nourish a little of “healthy skepticism.” But fuck it, ambition is sexy. Get on out there with your bad self, Sir Parson of Handshakes.

This post brought to you entirely by Kai, who lovingly hand-draws each Medieval Times reference and has very high standards in facial hair.

Things we love this week.

After a long weekend of media pukefest*, it’s time to review all the awesome shit that happened over the weekend! (er, since Friday). starting with our golden boy, of course.

i don't know why there is a laser eye show, let it be


Just as we were geared up for a nailbiter of a race between two overinvolved keener candidates, a third, equally overinvolved keener candidate entered the presidential race!  Bless you, Ben Cappellacci for a) having the marketing knowhow to make sure you’re the top story on everyone’s pages; and b) giving us all a chance to break out the “HOW DOES CONDORCET WORK AGAIN??” filler story.

petty but wonnnnnnnnderful


unnnnnnnngh I’ve missed you sooooo muuuuuuuch. Kids, if you’re new to this election, here is the thing: we have rules for this shit. Awesome, pedantic rules. And the Penalty Box on the AMS Elections website tells us every single time someone breaks these rules, e.g. by starting their campaigns too early—seriously, Katherine Tyson, you’ve done this election shtick before, you should know these by now—or other minor screwups. Vindictive, petty, and totally golden. love love love.

...and I want a pony, and some ninja Legos, and a Senate seat!!


Aside from the total mind-fuck of meeting people born in 1993 in our day-to-day university life, look at this list of total unknowns running for shit. Total unknowns with awesome names. Barnabas Caro? Montana Hunter (who is so clearly a minor fanfiction character)?

[Editor’s note: OMG finally another reason for Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus references. Oh wait, shit, just Facebook creeped and Montana is in fact a dude. Oh well, it’s still happening.]

Shit, son, if that doesn’t get you excited for politics, I don’t know what will. THEY ARE ALL JUST HACKY BABIES, which ovaries dictate I must find adorable or els—


Meet Ekat!

When not editing her resume, Ekat enjoys making excel sheets, creating flow charts and “networking” with industry professionals… Actually, that’s a lie; five years in Sauder has left her disillusioned and bitter. [Ed. – Isn’t that what you pay them for?]

the face of sustainable architecture, right hurr

more like E-Kute-rina! basically just a real live Kate Beaton comic

In fact, Ekat would much rather run away to Indonesia with some Salvadorian lover and write highly acclaimed beat poetry while building mud houses and shrines to Gaia. In this alternate universe, she would constantly post photos of her life on various social networks as to make everyone jealous of her. Instead, she fills this void by writing for AMS confidential which she believes is a viable current alternative (minus the lover part).

She feels she is more than prepared to take up this challenge during the upcoming elections not because she has almost dated the entire AMS external portfolio at one point, but rather because she ran in the elections and was an executive herself. She has no conflicts of interest other than her apparent attraction to hipsters, bassists or people that understand string theory. A combination of all three is her kryptonite.

The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Frat Party

Tonight, AMS Council justified a very small part of its nonexistent paycheque by shutting down a proposal from Dayglow events to take over Block Party. Dayglow is a touring party that crams a bunch of almost-twenty-somethings into a concrete bunker/outdoor venue, has them wear all white, and then sprays them down with neon paint. Also, acrobats!

UPDATE: All the best tweets of the night, here! With video!

i feel so respected for my mind!

Can you even attend this party ironically?


Councillors quickly came to the conclusion that this was perhaps not the best choice, bringing up varying accusations of objectification of women, sexism, that time a Dayglow party sent 44 people to the hospital, etc.

Dayglow had run the idea past both the AMS Execs and the Student Life and Communications Committee before jamming this onto the Council agenda at the last minute—proving once and for all that some people actually can’t take no for an answer.

Tcha, broseph: no means no.

Meet Bryce.

it's what you see before death comes for you


Bryce Warnes was reared in the piny wilderness of Vancouver Island. SKILLS: Cussing, wrastling (“mountain style” only), dream-travel, haiku. WEAKNESSES: Hard liquor, pretty mouths.
Warnes’s three years at UBC have painted him with a thin veneer of civility. But while he wears the garb and apes the speech of city folk, he is at heart a savage and recalcitrant creature.
As per the request of his caretaker/trainer, AMS Confidential is allowing Warnes the opportunity to publicly form his thoughts into human words.