LIKE TRON.
In the next few weeks, we’ll be back with more of the finest elections coverage a limited amount of Voter Funded Media money can buy, and some of the finest writers we can poach from other categories of hack. They’ll be introducing themselves over the next few days, starting tonight. But first, a card. For you, you special reader, you.
what do you mean, "shameless pandering"?
WIth only a few hours left in the EUS elections, we’re hoping you’ve all already put in the time and research to make informed democratic choices. But if you didn’t, check out this obviously timely and well-prepared post:
What’s up, Ian Campbell. We knew Ian was running unopposed for VP Finance, because apparently most people—even those paid to do it—just kind of don’t like Finance positions:
And it takes a classy dude to admit Hey, I’m running in an uncontested race and then turn around and say, but it’s still my job to convince you that I’m the right person for the job.
But the real reason we <3 and are endorsing Ian:
1. He’s knowledgeable about AMS affairs, and we like his views on those;
2. He recognized us on a bus and we talked about the above for like half an hour (drunk time).
Yeah, we’re suckers for that sort of shit.
Jannel Robertson is one of many running for AMS Rep. Unfortunately, her platform left us scratching our heads a little. (So did her legwarmers and Eminem pose.)
In amongst your boilerplate campus left material (tuition is too damn high, Gage South/Land Use—o hai not yr department) is this:
“Currently the AMS does not have an explicit policy on procedures dealing with sexual assault and violence. Without a policy that directly addresses sexual assault and violence the AMS is not demonstrating their dedication to student safety, a core aspect of student life. I will take action to create an official AMS policy on sexual assault and violence as well as training for AMS personnel, especially pub staff and security.”
Jannel’s Facebook has an extended platform:
“During my term, in order to prevent sexual assault or violence from occurring, I will work with Business and Facilities Committee and Student Life Committee to implement an official training program and workshops for all Pit Pub, Gallery and security staff. This way staff can recognize a potential situation before it develops and hopefully be able to prevent the event from occurring. They will know how to deal with disclosure and where to direct the individual to for support. Proper training of staff can raise awareness and help prevent future sexual assaults or violence from happening.”
Normally we would analyze this and talk about strong and weak points in Jannel’s argument, because it’s not commonplace in elections—and especially not in (stereotypically) male-dominated EUS elections—and therefore a worthy topic of analysis. But in the interests of Lady Feminism As Interpreted by Women I’ve Never Met, that would be wrong. So you know what? BLINDLY VOTE FOR JANNEL. She seems like a good person with a lot of unrelated volunteer experience, and her ideas could be worse. Also, she said ‘women’ and ‘sexual assault,’ so as a feminist, I’m legally obligated to find these good ideas for Council to address.
p.s. I’M SORRY WE CALLED YOU EMINEM, WE KNOW HE’S MISOGYNISTIC AND HOMOPHOBIC AND GLORIFIES DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AGAINST WOMEN
Jihua Zhou (Jay) is a third-year student with “several key issues to address”: parties.
See, a bureaucracy like the AMS will never have the efficiency that a smaller bureaucracy like a student society will ever have; therefore, THE AMS SHOULD JUST GIVE THE EUS THE MONEY FOR WELCOME BACK BBQ/BLOCK PARTY.
“For example for frosh week, instead of AMS hosting a concert they should instead give us the grassy knoll and funds so WE can host a giant kick ass party for the entire campus.”
Apparently, all of campus showed up to Oktoberfest and raised thousands of dollars for the EUS. Simple math proves that if you use more money and throw an even bigger party, even more people will show up, and raise thousands more dollars for the EUS!
Loooooooook, the AMS refused to underwrite more years of ACF because it was a bad idea. If the Engineers want to take a crack at this, that’s great—but in light of IMMINENT FINANCIAL MELTDOWN, I’m thinking hey, maybe this one waits a year.
“Realistic and practical solutions” indeed.
PS Brian Platt totally beat you to the Knoll party idea, foo.
Look, we know Engineers aren’t exactly wordy types, but this particular ‘campaign point’ just takes the cake:
“Provide a wide range of opportunity for student involvement in all aspects of the External Portfolio, allowing UBC engineers to experience more than just the academics of university life”
I’ve been to petting zoos with less fluff than that statement. There are entire factories devoted to the creation of pillows and other find bedding which have less fluff.
We know you’ve got ideas, Ben Kernan, even if you don’t have a website. But this is ridiculous. And since you’re running in one of the most contested races, you may wish to step your game up.
Elections Administrator Erik MacKinnon has a blog. He also doesn’t like Mexico, and isn’t getting laid right now.
Have another reason why? Leave it in the comments.
These are difficult times, what with the indiscriminate flyerfucking of campus, the slander/righteous media overhaul, and the general debacle that is Bijan Ahmadian’s political career.
At times like this, we turn to our port in a storm, our spiritual inspiration, and we ask ourselves, What Would Foxtrot Do? And then, the answer came to us, gleaming like Glenn Beck’s forehead in the soft light of the Spiderman 3 stage lights. FOXTROT WOULD RUN A PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE SURVEY. BIGGEST RACE. BIGGEST SCANDAL. TOUGH QUESTIONS.
After the break, McElroy, Moll and Shaban face off, but we drop the ALL CAPS (kinda). In the interests of fairness, candidates are presented in alphabetical order.
For all other blogs, today’s endorsement day. For us, it’s make up your own damn mind day, otherwise known as our rad video endorsements ran out of batteries. we’re workin’ on it. In the meantime, sweet readers, set the lights to low and imagine we’re whispering in your ear.
‘Cause baby, let’s not deny this thing between us: You’re Kurt Hummel, and I’m that Blaine hottie from the super-tolerant boys’ school, and it’s cold outside. Join me for a heartwarming duet, and let’s snuggle up to these fiery candidates as we bring back, smoother than late-night jazz, the first of our Classic Confidential Surveys.
Filipino/Irish. CATHOLIC DREAMBOAAAAAAAT
Highlights from this edition: MOTHERFUCKING SEAN HEISLER brings it (again), Justin Yang tells us how he really feel about Issues That Matter, Arash Ehteshami really wants your love, and two (2) candidates open up about their Gossip Girl-themed nicknames. Plus, a kitty! Who says we never bring the real news?
At tonight’s special Gazapalooza! edition of Council, only a few things were certain.
1. An overwhelming, choking, poisonous atmosphere of smugness. In the immortal words of Paris Hilton, you know what you did.
2. Terrorism should be left to Elin Tayyar.
3. Legal opinions are only worth the price tag if you pass their recommended motion in the first hour.
4. The VP Academic office is awesome.
this meme never gets old.
5. The VP Academic office is craaaaazy awesome.
I'm rethinking not checking off "irrelevant point from legal opinion."
And
6. The Resource Groups, bastions of democratic autonomy though they may be, could use some extra steps towards organization and visibility, if not a complete and utter overhaul.
TO THAT END, we’d like to recommend something.
Whereas the Resource Groups in their current incarnation are divisive, reclusive and often out of touch with student sentiment;
and Whereas they seem overall in need of a…resurgence of public opinion, aka a Total Image Overhaul,
BIRT the Social Justice Centre rename themselves, and act in accordance with new policies of (to be agreed upon by Council in a further resolution & supported by referendum)
THE SOCIAL JUSTICE LEAGUE
(c) Gerald Deo, GOD AMONG MEN
YES, on this beleaguered campus, has it not become clear that the League exists to battle the forces of injustice? As evildoers and naysayers take the reins of the highest positions of government, only the SOCIAL JUSTICE LEAGUE can save students from oligarchy! oligarchy and CRIPPLING DESPAIR. and false dichotomies. can’t forget them false dichotomies.
Featuring the forces of…
THE RHETORATOR!
Teddy Sturgeon seems like a mild-mannered PhD student in his 5th 7th 10th 24th? year. But when injustice strikes, he changes into THE RHETORATOR, defender of things we’re not really sure about! Able to strike down enemies with the force of his twenty-minute speeches, he wields references to rape culture with the power of centuries of white male guilt. Beware, evil-doers: THE RHETORATOR is reading your blog.
CARE-IELLE!
This femme fatale’s origins may be mysterious, but her lethal attacks are well-known. CARE-IELLE leaps into action when called upon by any progressive cause, no matter its strength. Human rights being violated? Call CARE-IELLE! Elected leaders being thrown out of office? CARE-IELLE! Cat stuck in a tree… inhumanely? Yeah, better call CARE-IELLE. No problem is too great—or too small—for her to tackle.
THE UNKNOWN COMMENTER!
Spiderman. Batman. Most of the X-Men, on and off. The events of Civil War. Sometimes, justice needs to hide behind a mask of anonymity. THE UNKNOWN COMMENTER understands that great deeds can grow from small seeds. Thus, his never-ending crusade to change minds and subvert oppression from the last free bastion of the people’s press: the comments section. Whether it’s (courageously) calling someone a racist or (with great gusto) condemning someone as a fundamentalist, THE UNKNOWN COMMENTER serves his community with no expectation of reward beyond that satisfaction of a job well done—an injustice righted.
スーパーせんたい JUSTICE GO!
This post has been brought to you by the zionist conspiracy liberation front. As always, your comments make us squeeeeeeeeal. VOTE VOTE VOTE!
new to ubc? here’s what you missed…
PREVIOUSLY on AMS CONFIDENTIAL:
The AMS stands for your Alma Mater Society. The name doesn’t make sense, but it was formed to be your student society; you pay them fees and in return they keep the university from doing whatever it wants. Plus, parties and stuff!
anyway.
MIKE used to be Alma Mater Society President and he poledanced a lot
there’s like a million of these on facebook.
but then he turned things over to BLAKE
guido guido guido (photo c/o gerald deo)
go o~on….
Did you know that the day of the Deepwater Horizon explosion, there were BP executives onboard? They’d been flown out to celebrate 70 years of safety on the rig.
We can only imagine, as we head into this, the third part of our CUS Mascot breakdown [Ed. note: breakdown is suuuuper apt], that the mood in the CUS boardroom must be… oh, no, that’s in such poor taste.
More jokes that will hurt your feelings, after the jump.
In Part One of our Mascot Madness series, we—
that is to say, KAI & TAYLOR of Confidential, TREVOR (Features) and JUSTIN (Coordinating) of the Ubyssey, and NEAL of Insiders—
laid out the CUS’s nefarious plan to make their faculty seem cute and cuddly by designing a new mascot. Naturally, we had some things to say about the submitted designs: namely, that they’re all unrepentant, derivative hogwash. SERIOUSLY YOU TRACED A DISNEY LLAMA WTF
After the jump, we’ll be taking on six more submissions—three of which are men in suits! Way to buck the trend, guys.
Elections season is over, which, these days, means it’s time for recount/contest season! Rather than recount the Trasolini/Platt saga at great length, we’ll recap shortly, and then present the only result we care about: ACKBAR ACKBAR ACKBAR
So.
Anyway, here’s a thought to cheer you up, Artsies. Sure, we’re starting the new elective year on a wonky note. But there’s so much for us to anticipate! Yes, you, Foresighted Arts Voters, had the courage—the understanding—the bravery to elect Seannie C., a.k.a. ADMIRAL ACKBAR. We here at the Confidential (okay, I here at the Confidential) are Huge Fucking Star Wars nerds, and we’re super-excited for the opportunity to spend an entire year doing variations on the trap meme.
When we haven’t had our caffeine:
tip your goddamn barista, kids, we're fucking starving
When we’re feeling just too old to keep up with you political whippersnappers:
tis not a woman true, but a half creature, neither fish nor foul
When shit’s about to get funky:
in west Coral City, born and raised / on the Calamarian Council is where I spent most of my days
WE’RE SO EXCITED!!! WE’RE SO EXCITED!! WE’RE SO SCARED