Peer Review for Hangwei Bao’s Memo to Evan Crisp

To: Hangwei Bao

From: Su Zhe

Date: July 24, 2020

Subject: Peer Review for the Memorandum for Evan Crisp

 

Thank you for submitting the Memorandum to Evan Crisp as part of the assignment for unit 3:1. You have done an excellent job in providing a clear and concise memorandum that is easy and interesting to read. Please see the below for some suggestions, which will hopefully help you with future endeavors.

First Impression:

  • The memo is short and concise, which makes it easy for the reader to understand. This is especially helpful in the case of Evan Crisp who might be looking for a solution to his immediate problem which is of a timely essence.

Organization:

  • Having subheadings makes the section easier to read. You did well on this point.
  • Using bullet points on the tips section makes it easy for reader to identify the each point in emphasis.
  • Beginning each bullet point with a bold adverb may make it even easier for the reader to see the real highlight for each action they should consider. It’s also more visually pleasing since having too much text may be hard on the eyes sometimes.

Content:

  • You have met the basic requirements of the assignment and included all the content subsection.
  • However, for each of the actual tips, it would be even more helpful if you were able to provide actual examples in the original writing, as well as a suggestion on how to improve it.

Tone:

  • The overall tone is in-line with the assignment’s expectations.
  • Using language such as “sloppy” and “careless” may come across as somewhat condescending in nature. It will likely alienate the reader and make it difficult for them to accept your well-intended suggestions. Instead, you can rewrite that point to “avoiding abbreviations and spelling mistakes in order to appear more professional in nature”.
  • Ending the email with best wishes or something to communicate your well intentions to the reader would help make the memo more friendly and approachable.
  • Including statements such as “An email is an essential tool” will likely come across as being very condescending in nature. The reader likely know that they did not do a great job on the original email which is why they came to us for advice to begin with.

Grammar & Typos:

  • The grammar was good overall, but the sentence structure on all of the bullet points could use some improvements. An example would be your first bullet point, “Having an informative subject…”, which may make more sense grammatically instead you link the two sentences differently, such as “Having an informative subject line for the instructor is important to help keep things to the point.”
  • Another example is “Making sure to greet the instructor in the beginning…”. It may be better to write “Greeting the instructor and expressing appreciation will show respect to your reader”.

Concluding Comments:

I appreciate the opportunity to review your memo for Evan Crisp. Your tips were helpful and mostly in line with the handout. Feel free to read my above suggestions and email me at zhesu@gmail.com if you have any questions on the above.

 

Best Regards,

Zhe Su.

 

 

 

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