The Hipster-Hack Matrix

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To go with your a.m. selection: Introducing the matrix of all matrixes, The Hipster-Hack Matrix.  Literal eons in the making, we’re not even kidding, this may just be the next BCG matrix (don’t know what that is? #sauderfail). So hold on to your down-belows, take a deep breath and let’s dive in.

 

The matrix is divided into four quadrants based on the candidates’ relative hipster and hack tendencies. But old person, you say, what’s a hack? Basically, student politics is a giant, often quirky, sometimes weird and always insular clique. The more you are involved in student government, the more you’re a hack—and that can be good or bad.

So, are you involved (good) or have you totally lost sight of the average student experience (bad)? To help you determine which candidate best meets your hip-hack needs, we’ve gone ahead and positioned everyone on the scale for your viewing (and voting!) pleasure.

This post brought to you by The Confidential Team—mostly Ekat. As always, all statistics on this blog are made up. We’re sorry; we know some of you are engineers.

What dark magicks are these

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Sometimes, doing this job means writing the hard-hitting analysis that no one else wants to take on. For me, today, that means pointing out the terrifying similarity between the vast majority of men in Vancouver current presidential candidate Matt Parson…

…and former AMS President Blake Frederick.

FIRE AND BRIMSTONE FIRE AND BRIMSTONE

politically different, visually EXACTLY THE SAME, NO EXCEPTIONS

Old Hacks may remember Blake as the man so engaged with What Students Wanted that he and a fellow Pokemon executive petitioned the UN, claiming that, by charging tuition, Canadian universities were violating human rights. But at least their hearts were in the right place??

Matt, on the other hand, is the presidential candidate currently pledging to meet 1,000 new people during his reign as Unholy Overlord or he will forfeit actual paycheques. From mattparson.ca:

“I pledge to re-engage 1,000+ students, who I have no previous relationship with, from all across our campus, over my term as President, to hear:

  • What they have to say about the issues the AMS is championing
  • What they think the AMS is missing
  • What they think a healthy AMS could do to help their individual problems at UBC
  • Whatever else is on their mind regarding their University experience

For every week that I fail to meet my weekly goal (at least 20 students a week), I will donate 1/3rd of my weekly AMS salary to the AMS Endowment (or Foundation, pending approval of the Endowment). Additionally, if I fail to meet my goal of at least 1,000 students in authentic conversation on the issues, I will donate any eventual bonuses I may receive as President to the AMS Endowment.”

We applaud this creative effort to engage the everyday, uninformed, only marginally literate student! Of course, those of us who have lived with Real Working Presidents have seen the long hours associated with the job, and do nourish a little of “healthy skepticism.” But fuck it, ambition is sexy. Get on out there with your bad self, Sir Parson of Handshakes.

This post brought to you entirely by Kai, who lovingly hand-draws each Medieval Times reference and has very high standards in facial hair.

Return of the Jedi

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Allow me to re-introduce myself, says Spencer Keys as he snuggles up to the limited female hacks who still read UBC Insiders. 

gerald deo photo

Spencer Keys was the 96th President of the Alma Mater Society and the first insufferable prat to start saying which number he was. He spent his time afterwards working for provincial and national student associations and working as a consulting lobbyist in Ottawa.

What Spencer fails to mention, is that he is in fact a minute celebrity of the reality star fame. He starred in a documentary entitled College Days, College Nights that threw some UBC students in a house together and chronicled their lives. Yes, this really happened.

In the documentary, Spencer loses an election for VP External, goes on to ban slates (HE IS THE MAN SORT OF RESPONSIBLE* FOR LAST YEAR! DO YOU GET THE CONNECTION NOW???), and then becomes President of the AMS. All under the glory of cameras. [Editor’s Note: This is honestly my dream. If any film producers are reading this, my life is very entertaining]

So, Spencer was kind of a big deal. And after doing real world things, he’s come back to UBC under “unfortunate circumstances.” You should read his article, because the lack of campaigning is seriously so embarrassing.

And because you’re probably wondering when we’re going to go all alliterative on you, yes, Spencer is Sexy. But not just because he’s a tall ginger who dubs himself a gentlemen and wears dashing, waspy attire. No, Spencer is sexy because he tweets about both football and politics. He wants to be a lawyer [Editor’s Note: KAI GOT INTO UBC LAW SCHOOL BY THE WAY] and he actually somewhat cares about student engagement without being a hack who gets off by masturbating to their own accomplishments, which is rare. He can definitely lobby his way into our loins hearts any day.

*actually not responsible for people making fake websites or slate conundrums, at all.

 

Poster Fun! Redefining a Hot Mess

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We know y’all just lovvvvvvve our poster critiques analyses. This year, if you haven’t noticed yet, we’re giving you short, snappy posts multiple times a day. Or at least, we’re trying to. So Carven Li, come on dowwwwwn!

How did THIS hot dish of amazing…

…make THIS hot mess of a poster?

seriously, we did not photoshop this.

The good: there’s Chinese or something on poster! Diversity!!! [Editor’s note: I am not the editor who studied Asian Studies, I apologize]. And nothing says school spirit like the Blue & Gold colours. Plus his face is just so totally adorable!

The bad: How many types of fonts and sizes can you throw on one poster? And alignments?!

The ugly: I’m fairly certain that we all stopped doing the WordArt thing where you outline your letters with another colour when we were 7 and magenta started blinding all of our class projects. Just saying.

BONUS: Someone on Twitter wanted us to be less like a tabloid. Since we heart feedback, here’s a quick analysis of some text:

Lower athletics fees ~ So this was an issue in 2008, when two guys managed to save us hundreds of thousands of dollars in fees. [Editor’s note: I should know, I’ve slept with them both]

The mandatory fee for each student dropped by about $3-4. The user fee freeze was for 3 years, thus I am assuming it will come up for negotiation again this year? Not too sure.

The exact amount of fees saved per student depends on how much you actually participate in athletics. Yes, dodgeball counts. So if you’re in a league, you would have saved $5-10 each.

BUT ~ the Birdcoop used to be, like, hella expensive, and the AMS ended up saving students $225 a year EACH in Birdcoop fees. That is massive.

So basically, I personally don’t think this platform point deserves a spot on this poster when there are more important things for a VP Academic to worry about ~ like Gage South and governance, for example.

TayLo, out.*

*people also wanted us to have bylines, but our god damn site won’t let us, so there. See, we do listen.

UBC’s Very Own Ryan Gosling

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Let’s just state the obvious here:

Ryan Gosling is hot.

He had his day with The Notebook, when every girl just wanted to cuddle and fall asleep in Noah’s arms every night. And then, well, Ryan Gosling kind of disappeared. He went on to do artsy things, like indie Canadian flicks, and then took  a hiatus.

And then, BAM! Out of nowhere, after we all kind of forget about him, Ryan Gosling was back. And this time he’s not only hot…

He’s experienced.

He’s a fucking good actor, he’s everywhere, and everyone wants him. HE EVEN BECAME A MEME. 

The same could be said for Ben Cappellacci. Just like Ryan Gosling was part of the Mickey Mouse Club and Breaker High [Editor’s Note: Are you kids too young to remember Breaker High on YTV?! Are you!?], Ben was part of the frat scene, the Senate, and SafeWalk coordinator. And then he had his breakout role as VP Academic. After enjoying such fine things like land use policy, Ben went on to do artsy things, like an exchange to Paris, and took a hiatus from the AMS.

And then BAM! Out of nowhere, Ben is running for President. His name is the headline in every story, his branding is sexy as hell, and he’s here to take UBC by storm just like Ryan Gosling is going to take ALL THE AWARDS.

So, welcome to the race Ben. In honour of everyone’s favourite actor and meme, we’ll be bringing you A Ben A Day, Ryan Gosling style. Like us on Facebook to get your daily dose! 

 

Things we love this week.

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After a long weekend of media pukefest*, it’s time to review all the awesome shit that happened over the weekend! (er, since Friday). starting with our golden boy, of course.

i don't know why there is a laser eye show, let it be

1. WHO’DA THUNK IT

Just as we were geared up for a nailbiter of a race between two overinvolved keener candidates, a third, equally overinvolved keener candidate entered the presidential race!  Bless you, Ben Cappellacci for a) having the marketing knowhow to make sure you’re the top story on everyone’s pages; and b) giving us all a chance to break out the “HOW DOES CONDORCET WORK AGAIN??” filler story.

petty but wonnnnnnnnderful

2. THE PENALTY BOX

unnnnnnnngh I’ve missed you sooooo muuuuuuuch. Kids, if you’re new to this election, here is the thing: we have rules for this shit. Awesome, pedantic rules. And the Penalty Box on the AMS Elections website tells us every single time someone breaks these rules, e.g. by starting their campaigns too early—seriously, Katherine Tyson, you’ve done this election shtick before, you should know these by now—or other minor screwups. Vindictive, petty, and totally golden. love love love.

...and I want a pony, and some ninja Legos, and a Senate seat!!

3. TOTALLY UNHEARD OF

Aside from the total mind-fuck of meeting people born in 1993 in our day-to-day university life, look at this list of total unknowns running for shit. Total unknowns with awesome names. Barnabas Caro? Montana Hunter (who is so clearly a minor fanfiction character)?

[Editor’s note: OMG finally another reason for Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus references. Oh wait, shit, just Facebook creeped and Montana is in fact a dude. Oh well, it’s still happening.]

Shit, son, if that doesn’t get you excited for politics, I don’t know what will. THEY ARE ALL JUST HACKY BABIES, which ovaries dictate I must find adorable or els—

* OMG YOU GUYS I WAS THERE

Meet Ekat!

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When not editing her resume, Ekat enjoys making excel sheets, creating flow charts and “networking” with industry professionals… Actually, that’s a lie; five years in Sauder has left her disillusioned and bitter. [Ed. – Isn’t that what you pay them for?]

the face of sustainable architecture, right hurr

more like E-Kute-rina! basically just a real live Kate Beaton comic

In fact, Ekat would much rather run away to Indonesia with some Salvadorian lover and write highly acclaimed beat poetry while building mud houses and shrines to Gaia. In this alternate universe, she would constantly post photos of her life on various social networks as to make everyone jealous of her. Instead, she fills this void by writing for AMS confidential which she believes is a viable current alternative (minus the lover part).

She feels she is more than prepared to take up this challenge during the upcoming elections not because she has almost dated the entire AMS external portfolio at one point, but rather because she ran in the elections and was an executive herself. She has no conflicts of interest other than her apparent attraction to hipsters, bassists or people that understand string theory. A combination of all three is her kryptonite.