Category Archives: AMS Elections

Cue the cheek-pinching.

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It’s election time already? God, that just flew by.

Campaigning doesn’t start until THIS VERY DAY oh fuck it is so late #old #schoolinthemorning #ihateeverything, but here are three initial observations to tide us all over until everyone starts letting the realness out:

  1. There are SO MANY CANDIDATES. Someone had better drop out real soon, or our interns are going to have a rough time of it. Look at all those names they’ll have to learn how to spell and come up with puns on!
  2. LADIES. Running for things that are not VP Admin. YES. ROLE MODELS.
  3. Oh my god, we don’t even know who half these people are. Did something magically happen to make people care about the AMS? Gateman, is this your doing, with that ‘change something’ assignment? STOP THAT. STOP THAT RIGHT NOW.

PRESIDENT:

  • Caroline Wong: current VP Admin, best hair of any exec (w/e, Matt Parson, you get coloured streaks and then we’ll talk)
  • Ekateryna Baronovskaya: current Unecorn chair, blogger, kind of came out of nowhere last year? not that that is a bad thing
  • Jay Shah: current AMS ECSS (that’s services, n00bs), mellow aura, apparently like super-obsessed with Jay-Z

VP ACADEMIC

  • Montana Hunter: Arts Councillor, does Ukrainian dance
  • Kiran Mahal: Current VP Academic, former SUS President, Princess Shinyhair
  • Anne Kessler: Arts Councillor, clearly didn’t coordinate this with Montana, has been to Hobbiton (Jelly.)

VP ADMIN

  • Barnabas Caro: Arts Councillor, from Tanzania, every time we see him he’s like surrounded by five girls, this is what the young people like now I guess
  • Justin Fernandes: SUS VP External, Councillor, ?????????
  • Derek Moore: New SUB Community Engagement Dude, RA
  • Olivia Yung: Asst AMS Tutoring, SLC Promotions, Dance Club

VP EXTERNAL

  • Tanner Bokor: AMS Asst VP External, the AMS totally poached him from the Ubyssey, can only blame himself if he loses (<3 U TANNER)

VP FINANCE

  • Joaquin Acevedo: AMS International Commissioner (this is a thing?!), was SUS VP Finance
  • Mateusz Miadlikowski: Works at the Pit/Gallery, has probably had it up to here with people making cracks about his last name? which is too bad because we are SUPER LAZY around here sometimes

BOARD OF GOVERNORS (2)

  • Tristan Miller: Current AMS VP Finance, Prince Shinyhair / Duke of Bowties, has a secret real first name
  • Conny Lin: GSS President, neuroscientist (pending?)
  • Harsev Oshan: AUS President, Sigma Chi
  • Mike Silley: current BoG rep, former AMS VP Admin, somehow convinced Maria Cirstea to be his gf WELL DONE SIR #swag #yolo
  • Matt Parson: current AMS President, plays all the sports, really into wearing that oversized bagel from the retro ad campaign for the SUB
  • Erin Rennie: OLD HACK, once ran for Pres as “Mistress Rennie,” which is /exactly/ what it sounds like, it was a different time

SENATE (5)

  • Ugh, God, at least one of you is going to drop out and THEN we will post a complete list, okay? Some old faces, some new faces, some faces that have already been up here because people hedge their bets
  • We see you there, Philip Edgcumbe, how many years have we been typing out your name

SLFS (5)

  • It’s a slate! You’ll vote for them because they want it and no one else does
  • Also they’ve been doing this for a while now
  • Thus far, no one has absconded with the money
  • But we’ve got our eye on you, JJ #wasplife

Slates! SLFS! Senate! So many ‘endorsements’

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Two races that start with ‘S’, and no one gives a shit about either of them!

SPAN is back, banking on the short institutional memory of the AMS to forget about all the wonderful things it accomplished years ago.. like firing the General Manager of the AMS and expecting no one to notice.

We commend SPAN for getting enough people out of Sprouts and onto nomination forms to challenge SRL’s stronghold on the Student Legal Fund Society.
BUT we disendorse SPAN for flagrant abuse of the phrase ‘family law’ without context or explication. What the AMS has to do with divorce or adoption we don’t know*—but SPAN didn’t feel the need to make this clear in their campaign materials. Vote SRL for a continued focus on students’ rights workshops and not blowing our $40K a year on disputing that C you got in BIOL101.
* Actually, we /can/ think of a few examples, but that would be giving it away. SPAN, if you win, contact us for things you can actually do with this platform!
—–
SENATE!
In a race with five spots and six candidates, it’s really about who /doesn’t/ get selected. While we’d like to just disendorse one person, we’re not that catty. If you want to vote based on how cute their names are, you can do that. And hey, take solace in the fact that anyone who loses in the AMS can just run in their constituency election.
If you really really want to make at least one good choice, though, vote Justin Yang. He’s being doing it forever and he’s awesome.

INFOGRAPHIC: Still can’t decide?

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LAZY STUDENTS. We’ve sorted through three very similar presidential campaigns to bring you this: one-sentence differences on five key issues, from the cost of education to imagining the AMS is a lady/gentleman you’re taking out on a date. Keep our chart open in another window while you’re voting!

All answers have been condensed and paraphrased from debates hosted by The Ubyssey and the AMS Elections committee, with attention to statements made in interviews. We’ve tried very fucking hard to present opinions with great accuracy and no bias, but as always, we encourage readers to read the originals and become EPIC FUCKING HACKS. Our summaries—and background information on the issues—are after the jump.

Really lazy? We’ll be putting up endorsements and semantics in the next 24 hours. Click this amazing infographic below and vote on.

CLICK TO VIEW FULL, it's huge

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Presidential Debate highlights: Too many for Tuesday

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Here’s our second paraphrased debate highlights, this time from Tuesday. Tuesday’s debates were much livelier, with plenty of joke questions from both floor and moderation. Our most pressing question, however, was this: Why did Matt Parson have his shoes off? Major gross.

TUESDAY TUESDAY gonna try to slyly reference my role in a fraternity on Tuesday?

——-

Question 5. Imagine you’re taking the AMS out on a date. Describe the date.

B: I’d send her a text that said “Hey girl, what are you doing tonight?” Take her to my favourite Italian restaurant on Robson, because I’m Italian. We’d eat delicious pasta, either vegetarian or not, depending on what the AMS is. Beautiful red wine. We’d talk about things that are important to her.

AJ: We’d take advantage of all the great things that UBC has to offer. We could start the day at the Museum of Anthropology, then trek down to Beaty and stare at the whale. Afterward, we could go to Sage and order some wine on our meal cards, because I’m assuming the AMS lives in residence? And is a first year? Wait, no, I don’t want to date the AMS any more. … Um. And then we would go to a Council meeting together. [Editor’s note: this can actually be sexy]

M: Considering how old the AMS is, I don’t know what I could take her out to. Maybe some tea and cribbage? and then, after that, maybe take her back to the frat house.

 ——-

Question 9. As president, would you endorse the UBC Undie Run? And would you lead the pack?

Matt: I was on the Ubyssey video last year, doing a flip off the diving board! Wait, I shouldn’t have said that. But of course I endorse it! It’s fantastic, and the clothes go to charity! This is what college is all about!

AJ: I don’t think the AMS should officially endorse it… because it would lose its cool factor. But I would be there, why not?

B: [Raising his eyebrows, making inappropriate eye contact.] Yes. (Jeremy McElroy: “Creepy.”)

——–

16: Are you worried about abusing power? How would you meet the challenge of using your power wisely?

[Boring answers explicating the balance of power in the AMS.]

Matt: [In addition to all the things the other candidates said] my friends are always making fun of me.

———-

18: Ben: Are you going to Jello wrestle with me on Wednesday?

AJ: …sure?

M: I’ve been watching WWF clips all week.

———-

19: The current President, Jeremy McElroy, is known for his beard. In fact, he used it for his campaign posters. He’s known as the guy with the beard. How do you want to see yourself branded?

AJ: Visual imagery? Topknot, big glasses. My real answer? As a strong leader.

M: I guess glasses and plaid is the theme?

B: [Smirking, wiggling his face.] Hey, girl.

We’ve achieved immortality.

This post was written by Kai, who has never jello wrestled in her life. She has, however, apparently dated both the figurative and literal face of the AMS.

Poster critiques from a hideous man

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Editor’s note: This screed, scribbled in coarse ink on coarser paper, appeared in the secret drop-box of our hidden office in the SUB. Although loathesome to look upon, can we learn lessons from this unknown scribe? Will its vitriol overshadow its truths?

I was loathe, at first, to comment upon the campaign posters for the Presidential race. As a child, I was not allowed to look at photographs or mirrors; Father said they were “ikons of Beelzebub,” and that man only apishly mimicked what the Lord God alone was able to create. Being a free-thinking individual, I am more liberal in my views. Still, looking upon these images created a stirring in my bowels, a physical sense of wrong. Forgive me if my queasiness shows through my words.

The man Cappellacci

Here is a fellow who is familiar with his own visage, and finds it pleasing. The even dispersal of hair upon his cheek suggests to me an individual who has never worked a day’s honest labour in his life, has neither gutted the earth for riches nor felled the giants of the forest for fuel to warm his family. And yet, his face-bones are roughly hewn, too roughly, methinks, for those of an oily Mediterranean. Perhaps his father should enquire after the activities of the Pollack milk-man? But I digress.

I would not fain call any woman a hoor who, upon looking into Cappellacci’s eyes, found her loins whetted. Verily, these are the eyes of a man who retains a boy’s fresh senses, yet acts and speaks with the vigour of a man. I once saw such eyes on the face of a sailor who dwelt for a time above the gin-shop in Town. He was not long there before three milkmaids bore his whelps. If I recall, he left in the night, never to return. The children, all, were born disfigured. A sorry affair, and a warning to the softer sex: Guard your wombs ‘gainst the man Cappellacci.

The man Parson

It has been said that I harbour a weakness for pretty mouths, and a prettier mouth I have never seen than upon the man Parson. Those sculpted lips and that forgiving chin make the mouth of my own dear Maw-Maw seem like the foam-flecked meat-hole of a sottish charcoal burner. I do not say this lightly. During my years in the workhouse, a pretty mouth was a valued thing. A man might amass his own weight in tobacco or molasses if he possessed an orifice so fine as Parson’s and put it to worthy labour. O, but I do not wish such a sentence upon poor Parson. His shoulders are so slender, his skin birch-pale. The workhouse would break him like a cur beneath the wheels of the Foreman’s wagon.

Parson wears spectacles, which elicits my distrust. What use has a man for spectacles, lest he be in the employ of the Bank, mislaying the honest Worker’s salt and bread with his wily scrivening? Glasses are the acoutrement of a Clerk, and a Clerk’s word is not worth the soft white skin that holds him together.

And yet! That mouth. Had I not given my heart, in Dream-Time, to the Doe of the Mountain, I might offer it to that mouth, in vain hope that its soft succor be my companion until death. But alas, I am married to the Mountain, as surely as Parson is married to the bank-man’s ledger.

The woman Koehn

In my land, it is not custom for a woman to bare the contours of her calves or to pose for portraits. I must admit that I am shocked by how boldly this “AJ” gazes upon her viewers. She is like the Sweet and Holy Mother of Our Lord, but inversed, all meekness and God-fearing replaced by a fury and heat to rival that of any hand-logger with a brandy-filled gut. I pity any man who crosses this Child of Lilith. She is a woman who turns bulls to steers.

And, speaking of live-stock: It seems “AJ” has been sectioned and quartered like a fine young shoat! Here, a cartooned dart labels her locks “passionate.” Another points to her elbow, declaring that it “Creates high-functioning teams.” Also, her knee is a “Collaborative leader.” I might go further, but the jest would grow stale.

At first I felt that a candidate so divided would poorly serve her office. However, upon further reflection, it occurs to me that a leader who governs by her elbow, her hair, her knees, etc. has an advantage over her opponents.

The stuffed shirts who head Industry and Government tend to be great proponents of the Brain, that mass of tissue believed (perhaps correctly) by the Ancients to serve only as a cooler of the blood. The Brain, in my mind, is a highly sentimentalized organ. Does a man hew a cedar and construct a winter food-cache with his head? Does a woman suckle her child at a teat growing from her scalp?

It is the greater Body that serves the greater Good. If “AJ” would guide us with the innate talents of her Earthly frame, then so be it. Surely she outshines the “head-strong” milquetoasts Parson and Capelacci. Were I a voting man, I would know where to mark my “X”.

——–

This post was definitely not written by Bryce.

Endorsements, Round TL;DR: BoG

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It’s a long ‘un. TL;DR? Tagg, Sean, and those other guys. But you really should read on for more details and lulz, you lazy chump. Oh, and hopefully this doesn’t cause as much Twitter drama as this endorsement did. WE ALSO MADE A POLL! It’s totally scientific, you guys. 

Board of Governors

Let’s get one thing straight here: UBC’s Board of Governors (also known as BoG) is a big fucking deal. If you’re elected, you get to shmooze with the best of UBC administration, go on fancy trips to the Okanagan, and meet important people that are good for networking opportunities post-graduation. PLUS! You even get $5000 and an iPad.

In theory, this is also where students can do the most bestest awesome work. If it’s a Big Issue you may or may not have heard of, it’s been up before the board in the last year. BoG sets policy for the university at the highest levels of administration, i.e. they decide what direction the university is going in and how to get there. Students can have a huge impact on these decisions—or they can have a huge impact on their resume. Ideally, both.

Here are some buzzwords you may have heard: land use. Governance. Summer semester. Just trust us—they’re important, and the BoG reps are the people who represent what “students” think about these things to the super important people.

Lots of the candidates this year have similar platforms and some people think you may just be voting based on personality/popularity or whatever. But look, this one issue has people with different opinions! We called them all up and made them answer on the spot – if housing was to be buildt in Gage South (the area near McInnes Field, which is where the bus loop is now), what percentage should be student housing? Here’s what they had to say, in the world’s ugliest graph thing ever.

BUT ALSO YOU guuuuyyyyyyyyyysssssss. You should probably care a little bit more about this. You should probably read, in full, the interviews Issues That Matter and The Ubyssey did with these candidates. [Ed. note: Really, just pick up the latest issue. It’s so pretttyyyyyy] You should probably carefully review their platforms. Or you could skip to the pictures, after the jump.

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Endorsements Round Choo choo choose you

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Voting has started for the 2012 AMS Elections (check your email for a vote code!) and apart from voting for us (because we’re sparkly, smart and suuuuuuper awesome) you should consider voting for actual candidates. Here are our VP picks for this year, with BoG/Senate/SLFS and your goddamn President coming. Yes, you can call these our #AMselections IF YOU MUST:

Caroline can VP Administrate me ANY DAY

Highlights from her platform: [Editor’s note: I’m super mean on this one because I used to be the VP Admin]

  • She promises a LEED Platinum Building for the New SUB and engagement with the UBC SEEDs Program. This is already happening regardless. What she should really focus on is ensuring the post-occupancy sustainability of the New SUB.
  • She wants to create an online club management system. This is promised every, single year. There’s already a financial system in place. AMS Link, an online system that did exactly that three years ago was taken down because no one used it. The focus then should be on convincing clubs to use a content management system rather than spending money on building something fancy.

Why we like her:

  • She has sat on council and numerous committees. She has also acted as the AUS’s VP External and convinced constituency presidents to dye their hair purple (that’s AUSsome).
  • She has participated in the lefty Social Justice Centre and may just be the hottest knollie we have ever seen. She’s able to see both sides to an issues and that’s a great trait to have.

Warwick for VPX: He’s Better than Nothing (Trust us, you don’t want another by-election)

His platform (and what we think about it):

  • He wants to shift lobbying from federal lobbying to focus more on provincial and municipal topics such as translink (like getting a much-needed rapid transit line to UBC!). While we agree that more should be done provincially, completely disregarding national lobbying initiatives, especially when there is NO actual national strategy on post-secondary education, is probably not the best idea.
  • He also wants to be stern and serious when it comes to UPass negotiations. While this is a valiant effort, we’re likely to keep paying more and more for our transit pass.

Why we “like” him:

  • Kyle Warwick falls into the category of heavily-partisan-hacks-that-should-graduate-already. He has sat on AMS council for three solid years and ran in the 2011 federal election for the Liberal Party in Skeena, BC (we also have NO CLUE where that is).  He has tons of experience and if he can let go of some of his Liberal Party tendencies, he’ll do a good job.

Tristan Miller for VP Finance, The Job No One Else Knows How to Do, I Don’t Care if You Have a Budget Spreadsheet

His Platform..errr. I mean manifesto?:

  • Spend less shit. (Seriously, that’s all I got from his website)

Why we like him:

  • Continuing the tradition of dapper, well-dressed gentlemen at the helm of the AMS’s finances, Tristan has a strong understanding of the AMS as the current Vice-Chair of the Financial Commission. And because we only vote based on looks, [ONLY LOOKS. JUST LOOKS, ALL THE TIME. LOOKS AND SPITE] he is an absolute shoo-in (speaking of shoes, he has SO MANY CUTE PAIRS).

KIRAN FOR VP Academic (and University affairs)

This had to be the hardest VP race for us to choose between. Mostly it’s because Carven is all sorts of fabulous and lives and breathes pure, sparkly, radical wonder. But we decided to go with Kiran Mahal. Read on to find out why.

Her platform highlights (and what we think about them):

  • She promises to address mental health and wellness. This is an ENORMOUS problem at UBC (otherwise known as the Canadian Centre for Seasonal Affective Disorder), and it would be a true benefit for the student body if the AMS can get UBC to move past “raising awareness” of issues such as suicide and mental health and ACTUALLY create better policy.
  • She wants to create an exam database. This has been attempted and failed. Much like a Clubs’ Content Management system, the trick would be to convince the many users to actually remember to post and use the system.

Why we chose her:

  • Kiran is a competent, well-spoken and hard-working individual. [Ed. note: nobody said articulate.] She is the current SUS President, worked with AMS Services AND was the President of the Young Women in Business UBC Chapter. While we would like to see her focus a little more on University Affairs such as land use and governance, she already demonstrates a firm vision of what she wants to achieve. With a strong BoG team as University allies, she could kick some major ass on both fronts.

While we all voted on the endorsements, this post written by Ekat, who was VP Admin two years ago. In candidate terms, she’s held executive office, so she’s at the Presidential experience level. In airport lounge terms, Presidential means she gets two free drinks and a newspaper. BONUS!

Think we were wrong? Candidates! Feel free to post below. It’s tough to be judged (even by someone as sparkly as us) and we would love your thoughts if you think we have it all wrong.

Whistler Ben

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While we remembered to post yesterday’s Ben on our Facebook page (which is like, totally awesome and you should totally like, go like it) we forgot to post it on our blog. We apologize, dear readers.

So here is yesterday’s Ben AND today’s Ben…for your viewing pleasure.

Where does Ben stand on the Whistler Lodge issue? What do you even think of it – should we sell it because it “bleeds money” (according to VP Finance candidate Tristan) or is it a service worth keeping (according to Ski & Board President)?

The Hipster-Hack Matrix

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To go with your a.m. selection: Introducing the matrix of all matrixes, The Hipster-Hack Matrix.  Literal eons in the making, we’re not even kidding, this may just be the next BCG matrix (don’t know what that is? #sauderfail). So hold on to your down-belows, take a deep breath and let’s dive in.

 

The matrix is divided into four quadrants based on the candidates’ relative hipster and hack tendencies. But old person, you say, what’s a hack? Basically, student politics is a giant, often quirky, sometimes weird and always insular clique. The more you are involved in student government, the more you’re a hack—and that can be good or bad.

So, are you involved (good) or have you totally lost sight of the average student experience (bad)? To help you determine which candidate best meets your hip-hack needs, we’ve gone ahead and positioned everyone on the scale for your viewing (and voting!) pleasure.

This post brought to you by The Confidential Team—mostly Ekat. As always, all statistics on this blog are made up. We’re sorry; we know some of you are engineers.

What dark magicks are these

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Sometimes, doing this job means writing the hard-hitting analysis that no one else wants to take on. For me, today, that means pointing out the terrifying similarity between the vast majority of men in Vancouver current presidential candidate Matt Parson…

…and former AMS President Blake Frederick.

FIRE AND BRIMSTONE FIRE AND BRIMSTONE

politically different, visually EXACTLY THE SAME, NO EXCEPTIONS

Old Hacks may remember Blake as the man so engaged with What Students Wanted that he and a fellow Pokemon executive petitioned the UN, claiming that, by charging tuition, Canadian universities were violating human rights. But at least their hearts were in the right place??

Matt, on the other hand, is the presidential candidate currently pledging to meet 1,000 new people during his reign as Unholy Overlord or he will forfeit actual paycheques. From mattparson.ca:

“I pledge to re-engage 1,000+ students, who I have no previous relationship with, from all across our campus, over my term as President, to hear:

  • What they have to say about the issues the AMS is championing
  • What they think the AMS is missing
  • What they think a healthy AMS could do to help their individual problems at UBC
  • Whatever else is on their mind regarding their University experience

For every week that I fail to meet my weekly goal (at least 20 students a week), I will donate 1/3rd of my weekly AMS salary to the AMS Endowment (or Foundation, pending approval of the Endowment). Additionally, if I fail to meet my goal of at least 1,000 students in authentic conversation on the issues, I will donate any eventual bonuses I may receive as President to the AMS Endowment.”

We applaud this creative effort to engage the everyday, uninformed, only marginally literate student! Of course, those of us who have lived with Real Working Presidents have seen the long hours associated with the job, and do nourish a little of “healthy skepticism.” But fuck it, ambition is sexy. Get on out there with your bad self, Sir Parson of Handshakes.

This post brought to you entirely by Kai, who lovingly hand-draws each Medieval Times reference and has very high standards in facial hair.