Category Archives: lulz

Irregular indeed.

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Last week, Nearly-Former Elections Administrator Isabel Ferreras sent out a Media Advisory letting us all know the following:

The Alma Mater Society of UBC Vancouver (AMS), UBC’s student union, has discovered voting irregularities in its January 2010 elections and referenda. The AMS is taking this issue very seriously and is taking the necessary measures to deal with this matter. An independent auditor has been hired to conduct a thorough investigation. The AMS will be unable to release any further information until the investigation is complete. The AMS’ primary concern is in serving students. As such, the organization will operate business as usual.


Council tonight will address this issue, and presumably key parties will learn what, exactly, the fuck is up.  Meantime, however, you and I and everyone else not privy to this info (which is, it seems a good 90% of hacks) are left wondering what exactly a voting irregularity is.  Because, to me, it sounds like this:

that looks painful.

(See, because the elections were supposed to have been passed, but apparently something wrong went into the system? and now things are all backed up? and we have to seek independent help for this blockag—oh, fuck it.)

YEAHHHH POOP JOKES YEEAAAAAHHHHHH

Unobtanium Jello Wrestling!

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Well, the event you were all waiting for has come and gone. No, not The Presidential Debate hosted by Issues That Matter and The Media. Instead, The Unobtanium Jello Wrestling event. Held as a part of Science Week, it conveniently falls during elections and, as such, has become a joyous platform for candidates to campaign upon. In many cases, it is also the determining factor for many students yet to cast their ballot. While the non-hack and non-SUS crowd was meager at best, there were some epic battles.
For all you Noobs out there, the objective of jello wrestling is to remove the sock of your opponent in an inflatable bowl/pool of…green jello.  Needless to say, judicious use of tarps (and athletic garb) are involved.
After the cut, more of this:

god, we wish.

PLUS our exclusive live-action Sean v. Joel EngNerd Death Match—and how this year’s candidates compare to those of years gone by.

Our campaign guide: more surveys!

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As the surveys continue to trickle in, we continue to be oh-so amused by your responses, sometimes to the point of actually laughing out loud.  Aaron Palm in particular charmed us with his ready wit and willingness to bitch about his dead-end job, so we’ve reproduced a little more of his survey than was strictly kosher.  Whatever, dudes, we’re America! We take up as much space as we want, y’all!

The first part of our survey bonanza can be found here.  New surveys, including two presidential candidates and a man with four names, after the jump.

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This post has no real value.

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We’re sorry to report that our Ladies of the AMS Highly Scientific Flow Chart has been delayed due to unforeseen circumstances (a.k.a we forgot).  In the meantime, you can brighten up your council times with these fun quotes from ACTUAL DEBATERS from today!  Remember, K & T are lazy as all get-out, so these quotes are paraphrased.  Corrections in the comments, plz, and don’t get too upset if we rearranged erroneously 🙁

Sometimes you’ll find yourself sort of the Lone Ranger on council who has an idea of the financial situation [and you’ll have to educate some fools].
– Tom

Prompting this image:

But who is his Tonto??? (Gerald Deo photo)

Lobby days, for those of you who are unaware, are where we send everyone to Victoria to stay in hotels and lobby the provincial government, which costs us over $9000.
– Tim

“Wait, did he just— did that just— OMFG” – Internet Nerds on the side

auuuuuugh too much internets (Gerald Deo photo)

Note to other internet nerds: there is only one intentional meme in this image.  If you see another one, it’s because I can’t draw.

Note to non-internet nerds: Don’t get it? Here you go.

And, finally, on a personal note, Aaron Palm is a goddamn champion.  He may not have won the debates, but for his straight shooting and excellent choice of headgear, he has won our hearts.  Congratulations, sir, and may your JD flow freely and all your future endeavors be successful.  For Chuck Norris Aaron Palm, each testicle IS larger than the other one.

AMERICAAAAAA FUCK YEAHHHHHH (Gerald Deo photo)

(Foxtrot, we expect you’ll have something to add to that.)

Our campaign guide: First Batch of Surveys

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Sunday evening, we sent out surveys to every candidate we could think of, and as of today we’ve received ten back. The love is… palpable? Based on this barely acceptable sample size, here are your aggregated commonalities for AMS electoral candidates:

Our editorial staff has no math majors.

Favorite Board Game: Settlers of Catan
Favorite Monty Python Member: John Cleese
Consensus on skinnydipping, naked high dive: Have done, would do again
Leno or Conan: They’re all with Coco
Jennifer Aniston or Angelina Jolie: Angelina
UN Complaints: none yet
Flow chart results: Johannes/Mike Duncan even split

Funniest: Sean
Shortest: Joël
Nicest: Ekat
Most Apologetic: Alyssa (who was, we understand, sick)
Most Into It: Brittany

After the jump, selected highlights from all the surveys we’ve received so far.  Candidates are grouped according to their position.

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Facebook Whores and TWO Penalty Boxes!

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While Emails That Matter was trying really hard to become Facebook That Matters, we had our eye on the Facebook whores long before. Click the Candidates page for all the crazy link love to reference in the coming week.

Plus! Facebook drahmaz.

“Penalty Box: Stas Pavlov has been dealt a first warning for inviting students to a facebook campaign group without approval from the EA.”

“Penalty Box: Ben Cappellacci has been dealt a first warning for posting election material on his facebook page prior to approval.”

Update! “Penalty Box: AJ Hajir Hajian has been dealt a first warning for using a group email listserve prior to receiving endorsement.”

Bijan withdraws; it's all our fault.

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Oh, Bijan.  When we posted your video, we never thought we’d prompt you to reconsider pulling a Jeff Friedrich and remove your cadidacy for BoG. We especially never thought we’d hear you say this:

The flattering posting by the gorgeous ladies on the AMS Confidential blog made me reflect on the extent of my flexibility for running in both races, and I realized that I was bent on running for AMS President only.

We’d like to thank Emails That Matter, and the academy.

lulz of the day.

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In the wee hours of the morning of January 15, we received a grievance. On behalf of all unicorns, we will sincerely try to stop them from being harvested for their kidneys by Chairman Naylor by providing you with more delicious AMS content, complete with sparkles.

Not the unicorns!

Also, our journalistic intelligence (yes, we can solve any crime by dinner time just like Mary-Kate & Ashley) tells us this was sent by a certain former dreamboat and current candidate…