Category Archives: lulz

Executive Report Cards, Part 1

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Hopefully all you lovely readers are enjoying your summer, blissfully free of UBC. We’re still here, and also kind of bored… so we read all the AMS executives’ quarterly reports.

Critiques, you ask? Applause? BISH PLZ. That would require us delving into the Issues That Matter. Since it’s impossible to get an interview with these sexy folk, we’re just going to stop at the surface level of their reports. (Which, we might add, would make any stakeholder cringe at the epic amounts of graphic design fail. Can’t you people get some artsy interns in or something?)

 VP Administration

FTW: Completed SUB negotiations; maintained perfect mane. Mad Commerce negotiation skillz earned the AMS a grace period of 8 years for services in the old/current SUB, and maintained the winning side of fixed interest rates, among other things. Planned SUB Architect Selection.

Facepalm: Failed to save the equity program from the chopping block—which may or may not be seen as a good thing, depending on whether you <3 equity or capitalism more. Yay for a lighter portfolio?

Sparkles: there is apparently a “huge ongoing issue” with the water polo club…wait, what? We have a water polo club? Um, we’re having a major flashback to the good ol’ days, when we were but young sprogs watching the OC in our dorm/parents’ rec room…

not to be confused with an Issue That Matters.

Dramz (Possibly Imaginary): She mentioned the Ubyssey Architect profile of stock questions to the firms and how that helped their campaign in March…however, she totally snubbed former VP Admin Crystal Hon & the intense Issues That Matter blogging that occurred in April while Architect Selection was actually taking place. Plus, Crystal wasn’t present at the signing of the SUB negotiations…which she worked on for a year. KNIFE FIGHT OR JUST DUMB POLICY?

Her quarterly also mentions a miscommunication between the former Equity Big Head Guru & the new occupants of her once-proudly-Equitized office space. Hey, Emma? apparently you need to return some keys. We know leaving is hard, but sit-ins are just too, too retro.

“While I am in commerce, I’m no blood-thirsty, greedy, proletariat-crushing capitalist that hates equity and i think the whole Equity idea within the AMS has gone amuck.”

Ben Cappellacci, VP Academic & University Affairs

FTW: Ben’s working on implementing the Credit/D/Fail system which will help our—well, mostly your—GPAs! WOO. He also merged the Safewalk and Safety offices and seemed to generally care about and work with international students.

this bears little relevance but had to be posted anyway.

Facepalm: Ben mentions the “Sale of Liquor” database in his report…but SOL’s are “Special Occasion Licenses.” Ben writes as if he is involved in this project, while in reality, this editor hasn’t witnessed Ben inputting over 1000 SOL’s into a database past midnight on a Saturday night. [Important disclaimer: Taylor, Girlfriend of Insider, gets all defensive when her mans has to work late.] Ben’s office houses the binders that the SOLs are stored in, but this is mainly an Issues That Matter volunteer project.
Also, Ben doesn’t seem to love council much.
Sparkles: The new campus plan for the next 20 years includes the goal to house 50% of all UBC students in residence. The Sauder Store is coming in September 2011, and we only have 2 more years of the horrid Vista system left (OH THANK GAWD).
Dramz: Ben lays some executive-speak smack down on former AVP Ian Turner, saying their relationship was “strained at best” and that Ian “was unable to produce a completed project during his time in the office.” Ooo~ooh, burn. On the other hand, Ian totally made Sportswriter of the Year.
“AMS Council is truly the stuff of legend.”

die, old man blazers, DIE.

Jeremy McElroy, VP External
FTW: Jeremy went to Ottawa, came home, and we became Associate Members of CASA again! He also dealt with a debacle around the U-Pass Subsidy Fund, which was fully allocated to students in financial need for the first time ever. He then found out that the U-Pass mailouts were being paid for from this fund, so there was a 60k overdraft. Bad former Execs! bad!
FACEPALM: OH MY GAWD THAT BLAZER. Also, a notable lack of copy editing in this one. We’d volunteer to look over the drafts next time, but somehow we don’t think he’d go for it.
Sparkles: what’s up with Lobby Days? Is that happening this year despite the OVER 9000!!!1!!!!1! DOLLARZ aspect? What does a girl have to do to score herself an invite to that party?
Dramz: HST is looming like my thighs after a winter of inactivity, and there’s a BC Lobby initiative trying to get off the ground. And considering that the province has promised a universal post-secondary pass but provided no details—well, it doesn’t take a Commerce major to realize that our traditionally Hells Of Low fees could rise to accomodate other schools.
More next time, as we delve into the shallow, shallow depths of QUARTERLY REPORTS woooooo

 

A Procrastination Post! Your April News for N00bs

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Confidential is back, Koerner’s isn’t, and surprise, surprise the AUS is a shit show once again.

Brian vs Ryan vs Student “Court” vs Naylor vs OMG Enough Already

So the AUS is a goddamn nightmare. It all started with this document that makes no fucking sense and hurts our cute little headband decorated brains. As a fellow sexy blogger once said, “most of it is irrelevant shit amounting to intellectual masturbation.”

So, n00bs: Naylor was the AUS Elections Administrator and isn’t a fan of Student “Court” as referenced by “the rising scourge of kritarchy.” Student “Court” dislikes Naylor because…we’re not quite sure. Let the battles commence.

In the AUS Presidential election, Brian beat Ryan by one vote. Ryan filed an appeal to the SC over a single ballot that he thinks was ambiguous and should therefore be spoiled, meaning it wasn’t a tie, meaning Naylor’s tiebreaking vote wouldn’t count, and meaning that Ryan would be EL PRESIDENTE.

However, SC went all power thirsty like the Volturi and began to “investigate” the situation. They ramble about the background of the election, how paper ballots got fucked up, how the results apparently caught on fire, and concluded that in the end there was STILL A GODDAMN TIE (seriously, we’re not making this up).

However, what is really alarming (think black iris thirsty alarming) is how they then deem the election VOID AND OF NO EFFECT. SC was simply asked by Ryan to “rule” on the validity of a certain ballot. Instead, SC found that the way the AUS elections were run was in violation of AMS code because they lacked appeals procedures (yes, we actually looked up the code). They also made this ruling without looking at the AUS 2010 General Election Regulations which includes the appeals procedures.

Whatever, its now all a moot point because Brian resigned in a professional letter to AUS Council in which he signs it “peace out, dawgs.” Be still, our gangsta meme hearts.

More sparkles and #procrastireading after the jump!

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And you thought the last meme post was forced.

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Elections season is over, which, these days, means it’s time for recount/contest season! Rather than recount the Trasolini/Platt saga at great length, we’ll recap shortly, and then present the only result we care about: ACKBAR ACKBAR ACKBAR

So.

  1. Trasolini loses by one vote, cast by AUS EA Matt Naylor to break a tie.
  2. Trasolini writes open letter, claiming that ballots were miscounted (he has proof!!) & he should have won by two votes.
  3. Wahmbulance called.
  4. Recount reveals that Platt is still winner.
  5. ??????

Anyway, here’s a thought to cheer you up, Artsies. Sure, we’re starting the new elective year on a wonky note.  But there’s so much for us to anticipate! Yes, you, Foresighted Arts Voters, had the courage—the understanding—the bravery to elect Seannie C., a.k.a. ADMIRAL ACKBAR.  We here at the Confidential (okay, I here at the Confidential) are Huge Fucking Star Wars nerds, and we’re super-excited for the opportunity to spend an entire year doing variations on the trap meme.

When we haven’t had our caffeine:

tip your goddamn barista, kids, we're fucking starving

When we’re feeling just too old to keep up with you political whippersnappers:

tis not a woman true, but a half creature, neither fish nor foul

When shit’s about to get funky:

in west Coral City, born and raised / on the Calamarian Council is where I spent most of my days

WE’RE SO EXCITED!!! WE’RE SO EXCITED!! WE’RE SO SCARED

Voting for Sexy Candidates is Sexy.

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Let’s face it: looks matter. Attractive people succeed in life. Just knowing that Kai and Taylor are extremely attractive individuals is probably enough to get you to read this blog. Their shear hilarity and awesomeness gets you coming back with every post.

Enter myself, Gossip Guy, into the fold, and holy shit, you’re probably checking this site more than twitter and facebook combined. Yeah, I’m vain like that. Deal with it.
There are some sparkle-tastic sexy candidates this year. Choosing solely and purely on looks, who would the Confidential pick? Only the ones that fit our extremely strict guidelines. Sometimes it’s fashion that tickles our fancy, other times it’s someone’s adorableness that fancies our tickle. First up…. Arts.

"oh hai"

Ryan Trasolini

He’s the definition of smarmy. He was the one out there in front of every event, looking awfully cold, handing out his fantastic yellow business cards. That has to be a few sparkle points and a gold star or two in the Unicorn Championships.

Fact is, the man is bold. He can be in your face. He’s not afraid to take chances, just like his seafoam green shirt in the picture. He’s quite adorable and cute, which is evened out by his obviously cheesey/sleazy behaviour.

Ryan Trasolini – we approve. Of everything. Except for that shirt. I fucking hate that colour.

YEAH YOU WANT TO READ MORE.

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Partial Results Wholly Unsatisfying

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…if you know what we mean.
PARTY’S OFF, EVERYBODY GO HOME.

After $60,000 from Arts alone (and that uneven funding is a whole ‘nother story) spent on booze, booze, and Said the Whale, UBC VOTES is ready to announce the results of their efforts.   Er, kind of.  See, the longer elections go on, the clearer it’s becoming that this election is bound to reinforce the status quo.  Let’s look at some of the goals we had going into this.  Was there an upturn in student involvement?
Well, according to Sir SUS (EA Lougheed)… no.  (But there’s so much else to celebrate!)

and then we all held hands and sang 'kumbaya'

Oh. Well. Was there a new sense of excitement surrounding constituency politics?
…um, well, Eleven’Eleven” said some really nice things.  But most students still have a predictable reaction:

someone call the 'wah'mbulance

I see. How about we just find out who won, then?—ah, but as it turns out, we won’t be getting that either.

The registrar’s office has, apparently, bucked at the notion of having to provide a list of student numbers of online voters on Friday.  EAs may protest, but to no avail—the registrars have deadlines, too, and they’re not giving it up until after the weekend.  This means that the paper ballots cast can’t be counted (because double votes can’t be eliminated) until Monday.  Meanwhile, “partial results” (aka web ballots + Epic Math) will be announced tonight, but we’re assuming that the number of paper ballots (est. 25% of those cast)—and, thus, the margin of error—will still be rather high.

So what went wrong?  Well, for one thing, this whole UBCVOTES thing—cool as it is—was rather last-minute.  Hopefully next year’s committee, should they decide to keep the partnership alive, will start planning earlier & make use of now-existing infrastructure.

Secondly, events (& voting) were heavily promoted online, but given the nature of the hack facebook community (so insular, NASA’s using it to keep astronauts warm! ba-dump-ching), this may not have been the best strategy.  Perhaps, next year, a better physical presence? We hear the SUB is good for that.

i'll kick it with your funky bunch

Thirdly, the elections committee was forced to use WebVote at the last minute, rather than the hackable AMS Elections voting system, although, again, the availability of (alternative) paper balloting was limited at best.  In conjunction with this, we’d strongly—strongly—recommend a more comprehensive volunteers program, possibly with a talented, dedicated volunteers coordinator.

On a positive note, what went right?  Well, we’re totally impressed by the dedication of the entire elections committee.  Lots of love for former Confidentialite Taylor Loren, whose voice was apparent in a lot of the official emails we got (even though they were e-signed by the EAs) and who was a vivacious and visible presence throughout the events/voting process, from tweets to butts in seats.  The events were expensive, yes, and not too effective, but they were way way bomb.com.  MoA is a kick-ass venue, y’all.  Everyone who went to the parties had a lot of fun (and there’s photographic evidence if you know where to look).  Drink tickets got handed out like fuckin’ confetti.  And hey, pancakes!

But we’re still mulling over one question: will all these sexy parties be enough to prevent the largest candidate case of blue balls, like, ever??

that looks... painful. (image c/o trucknutz)

Dear EA Will McEwan: We’re so sorry

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Oh, how times have changed.

Remember when we were all, “EUS have their shit together” and praised them up and down? PISH-TOSH.  Crack a beer, friends, and learn all about the shenanigans going on in the nerdotron faculty.

Julian Ritchie just disendorsed himself for EUS President, citing a wish to not split the vote.  If you’re American, this decision can be explained as an alternate universe in which Ralph Nader disendorsed himself in the 2000 Gore/Bush elections.  Of course, Julian Ritchie is a lot smarter than Ralph Nade oh hey, back to the coverage.  So why would Ritchie ask his supporters to reconsider their choice?  In other words, who’s Bush?

He’s still running, and can’t say for sure…

In unrelated news, “as everyone who looks at the elections website can see,” there’s an apparent Iranian/Persian slate running in the election [Ed. note: I didn’t say it, but someone Iranian did: “They can hold meetings in Farsi!”]  Sources say they handed in paperwork together, and only recently de-friended one another on Facebook (although if FB were an indicator of slates, the whole damn system would be screwed).  And you might notice while Facebook stalking that the supporter of one tends to be the supporter of all the others.  And you might also notice that they all seem to have the same campaign points, even when such points fall outside of the position they’re running for.  BUT IT’S TOTALLY NOT A SLATE, AND WE’RE NOT SAYING THAT.

So, aside from some platform glitches, what’s the problem?  After all, this isn’t the AMS’s first—or only—unofficial (apparent) slate.  What’s worrying insiders is the fact that all of these candidates, with no exception, appear to be hilariously incompetent.

they’re our corporate sponsor

OH MY GAWD EDITOR LADY i dont understand what would make you say that CLEARLY you know NOTHING AT ALL about elections RAWWWRRRRR on what evidence could you POSSIBLY base this HEINOUS ACCUSATION

Well, for one thing, there’s the clusterfuck of a wall on Presidential candidate Sina Sahami’s election event.  It’s 10 pages long now, and no doubt getting longer, so I’ll save you the trouble and say that it’s disheartening, not least of all because of the sort of crazymaking Sahami supporter who says things like this:

I heard people commenting that [Sina’s 50% participation goal] is far-fetched simply because even countries have not been able to do so. Yes that is true. However, I believe that the problem is the government bodies themselves; they DO NOT WANT MANY PEOPLE TO BE ACTIVE.

FROM THE MOON PEOPLE, WITH THE RADIO WAVES

Actually, come to think of it, there are a few secret/exclusive societies at UBC, aren’t there?  Here’s one I found:

does this count as community service, you guys?

Sina himself does a lot of shit-disturbing on his wall, calling the former exec “incompetent” and “dishonest,” and saying that EUS leaders are “ditching responsibility” (mostly in regards to budget transparency).  Numbers (& more complex explanations than FALSE!!1!) are boring, but here are some rebuttals from people who don’t think so, and have actually held office:

There’s this note from former President Chris McCann (or, if you prefer, Chris McCAN’T HAR HAR HAR).

And THIS one from “Charizard” Pedram, who more than thoroughly details her credentials (and name-checks Dreamboat Sean Heisler &hearts).

this is actually her grad photo

And my dear friend Omid “Too Legit to Quit (the AMS) (EVER)” Javadi, in his epic 300-word meme-packed epic nerd elections breakdown, not only covered most of the incompetency concerns, but also ensured that no woman will ever find him attractive.  [Ladies: do you like dance music, cleanliness, and teh internetz? do you find body hair the single greatest indicator of virility? tact: your nemesis, or just unnecessary social frippery? IF SO, DIAL 1-900-WOAHMID FOR A GOOD TIME]

Anyway, that’s three people (five, if you include the candidate and his supporters) with inside information raising legitimate concerns about the competency of this (apparent) slate.  What’s next, Formerly-Put-Together EUS? Disendorsements? Dropouts?? THE END OF DAYS??!?!?!

THIS IS WHY I’M HOT

IN CONCLUSION: hey, Mining Engineer Alex MacKinnon, who may or may not still look like this:

rejected olympic mascot “neerdii” finds your views interesting, wishes to subscribe to your newsletter

I’ve never met you, and I tend to believe that miners are all a bunch of fratboy rock jockeys (WHAT UP, MINERS). But remember when you said “This is where I wish I could post that Picard facepalm picture”??!?  Well, we tend to agree.

WHO LOVES YA B

Gossip Sunday: Too Many Memes

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Lazy Sunday.  We’ve been called a gossip rag enough times that we may as well act like it.

Anyone sick of tsk-tsking the AUS for innumerable (okay, three) candidate mis-steps yet?  We’re watching you, Mary Leong and Michael Haack, but HOLY JESUS Ryan “Not Too Fine to Fine” Trasolini, read the manual, son.  Additionally, rumor & our inbox have it that one of the Presidential candidates has started offering cash money for VFM coverage. But of course, we’re all way too srs jrnalism bsns to take that deal, amirite?

Friday night also saw the kickoff of UBC Votes events, beginning with a well-attended concert at the Pit. Your Confidentialites were too busy being anonymous/sucking face to pay much attention, but luckily AUS Voting Committee Superstar Taylor L. brought along her camera.  Hence, we’ve got these for you:

First, AUS presidential candidate Mike Silley.

imminent warning: lacks logo, date, time, approval

AMS Elections EA & CRO, also Second-Cutest Couple [#barf]

cause : effect

But by far the highlight of these photos was our first opportunity to cry APPARENT SLATE

quick, while he's facing away

CANOODLIN’!!1!!!11! OUT. RAGEOUS.

aus throwdown/showdown

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Gossip Guy here. Happy to see me? I know you are. I can practically see the smile on your face from wherever I’m currently sitting/stumbling.

Well, fellow Artsies… we have a lot of tough choices this year. We’ll have to pick Yes or No in four different races, one involving a Star Wars character (WIN). Three guys going for President, and two ladies and purple lightsaber-wielding Sammy J for VPX. Then a bunch of General Officers and AMS reps. But c’mon… let’s focus on what’s really important here (Not that they aren’t all important. Just some things take priority, k?). So yes… EL PRESIDENTE. How are we going to decide who to support this year? We’ll leave it to…

the crudely rendered semi-androgynous pink and black gambling addicted elections mascot

I now realize I spent all my bloody time making that stupid graphic, and didn’t write anything of substance. Make sure you read the contest at the end of the post, and actually enter, so I don’t end up crying alone tonight because I wasted so much time. [Kai sez: welcome to the Confidential Editorial board, GG. You’ll get used to it.]

We’ll do some in-depth analyses in the coming days – and be assured, we WILL penetrate into the inner recesses, unlike the EUS elections, which we know nothing about. Full candidate list and some useless links after the jump y’all. AND THE CONTEST.

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The Life & Times of AMS Gossip Guy

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UPDATE: We just chatted online with GG, and he says that he has been the original all along, and used his Kiwi friend’s name for the VFM form, to cash any cheques. Sneaky sneaky, that one.

Last year on your AMS Elections ballot, you could have voted for AMS Gossip Guy.

This year, he faded into oblivion without any clandestine affairs, tweets, or posts; save for a random one come the UN invasion. Why did Gossip Guy leave us hanging without any scintillating material?

Because, our dear friends, he had left the country.

We wish that it was some hot steamy affair with an executive (insert the need for Fan Fiction here), or even a fellow AMS alias (Eden Hart, anyone?), but alas, we haven’t uncovered any truth to these ponderings.

We have, however, uncovered something else.

HIS IDENTITY.

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