So, our little mission statement is “exposing the down and dirty of UBC politics.” While we certainly enjoy exposing the down (who’s single? who’s dating who?), it does pain us to expose the dirty politics. While the AMS has had it’s low points (the UN, Gaza) it hasn’t been all that petty (except for Lettergate). Until today, with the slanderous behaviour of the AMS’ President, Bijan Ahmadian with his latest bullshit video, specifically around the 4:24 mark. If you want to see how dirty politics is played out, you might want to check out Blackbox UBC’s bitchslapping of councillors.

He’s taken endorsements to the whole new level with a video not only disendorsing one of his current executives, but slandering him at the same time. He still has to work with Jeremy for a month. Not only is this embarrassing and disgraceful to the entire Alma Mater Society, Bijan is once again failing with public relations and using his status to discredit his executive.

At the end of the day, Bijan, you’re a “31 year old who has yet to graduate and has a talent show as your achievement,” and your argument is invalid.

*Full Disclosure: Kai, one of the founding editors of Confidential and currently a contributor of sparkly surveys galore, is dating Jeremy McElroy. She didn’t contribute anything to this post.*

Argument: “I led a campaign where 3200 students signed a petition in favour of rapid transit…and, consequently, they changed the regional growth strategy.”

Invalid! Elin actually had to take this project on with Jeremy. Also, 3200 signatures out of like, 46 000 students isn’t really that great, so I don’t know why anyone is wanting to claim this as their own anyway. While Metro Van made UBC and Surrey equal priorities, the person sitting beside me says that “everyone knows that’s bullshit and South Surrey will come out on top…it’s a waste of time.”

Argument: “It should have been the VP External Jeremy McElroy doing this work.”

Invalid! It was.

Argument: “He has told me that the AMS President’s role is to be the public opposition to the university”

Invalid! This is slander, I asked Jeremy if he said that and he assured me he didn’t. He also talked about working WITH the university at the debate tonight, so there’s that.

Argument: “We’ve had too many insiders in the AMS President’s office”

Invalid! While we think the nod to UBC Insiders, intentional or not, is hilarious, it’s actually ridiculous. Bijan ran on the basis that he’s been at UBC for 11 years or whatever in his election, and threw that around like it was the greatest thing to ever hit the AMS. To all of a sudden switch to thinking that it is essential for a “regular student” to be in the Presidents office is hypocritical.

Oh, and talking about how Mike Moll is SOOO COOL because he LIVED IN TOTEM, ran for things, and plays the SAXOPHONE. Well, Jeremy McElroy LIVED IN TOTEM and ran for things and plays the SAXOPHONE. Hilarious.

Basically, Bijan made a video endorsing all the people that he handpicked to run in the elections and threw it all under his glorious header as the 101st President of the AMS. Classy.

“University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.” – Henry Kissinger

Play nice, kids.

This post may look to be boring. Election systems, you ask? How can those be at all fun? Well, dear reader, you are wrong. This is going to be the most epic post of your life and you are about to get SCHOOLED in so much politics that you will be able to impress your entire family next year at Christmas when they question what good a Canadian Studies/Art History/English degree will get you in life. Ahem.

AMS Council decided a few years ago to hold elections via Condorcet voting, instead of First Past the Post (FPTP- like how you vote in a government election). Due to UBC fucking over the AMS by underestimating how long it would take to implement a new elections system, AMS Council had this huge debate over FPTP vs Condorcet last night. UPDATE: Someone saved the day and now we’re now using Condorcet after all!

Below are our interpretations of the two systems and how it would work out in real life/pop culture land using Twilight and Glee. Yes, we fucking just did that.

First Past the Post aka Edward vs Jacob

The love triangle is abundant in pop culture, even if its usually culminated with the exact wrong couple getting together. Take Twilight for example. Team Jacob or Team Edward has divided giggly tweens around the world, and this is a perfect example of when first the past is a good system.

For some reason that we can’t quite understand, Bella is keen on Edward (ok, yes, the vampire sex scene in Breaking Dawn was quite amazing), the no-fun vampire who wants to get married and then isolate Bella from everyone she knows.

We think that Bella would have a lot more fun, and well, actually be ALIVE, if she was with Jacob. Plus, he’s hot. Like, super hot. Who would want to cuddle with an icecube when you can cuddle with a hot water bottle? Yeah, we thought so too.

So whether you’re Team Edward or Team Jacob, if the AMS Elections had a ballot asking you who Bella should choose, first past the post is fine. There’s only two choices, and whoever gets the most votes wins. This is like the race for VP Finance, although the candidates look too similar for us to deem one Jacob and the other Edward. It is also like the race for BoG (pick two) and Senate (pick five). Obviously, Sean Heisler is Jacob in this scenario (has anyone else noticed how buff he is?). [Editor’s Note: Sean Heisler got Chris Eaton from Enrolment Services on the phone in AMS Council at 10:30 AT NIGHT so he could talk to the EA about the elections system. For this, we deem him this year’s first Dreamboat. Re-elect him, he obviously uses his connections well. See below.]

Condorcet Method aka Rachel vs Jesse, Puck, and Finn:

The pop culture love rectangle is more of a complicated scenario, in which a girl who thinks she isn’t all that pretty (yet totally goes all wannabe-third wave feminist with Terry Richardson) has an endless supply of adorable men at her disposal. Unlike Edward and Jacob, fans are not as maniac (read: partisan) about who they prefer and learn to adapt to like the new love interest. And when they’re gone, well, you’re left with distant fond memories of a love that wasn’t really lost.

i'm a jesse man myself, and this moment in "hello" is possibly my favourite glee moment ever.

FPTP brings about more partisan candidates, while preferential balloting yields more centrist candidates. In Condorcet, you get to rank the candidates in order. Whoever is found to be the most likable candidate will win, and this is why joke candidates like Aaron Palm can beat Tim Chu. The candidate chosen is usually the one most people won’t complain about. If people are voting on issues (and since we don’t have slates, they are basically voting on issues), the candidate who has the more palatable stance will be favoured with Condorcet. For example, think of Puckleberry, Fichel, and St. Berry (really? REALLY?)

this was taken from a real fan forum. who says we don't do research?

For some voters, they may think that Rachel really really really needs to be with someone as talented as herself and would vote like this:

1. Jesse
2. Finn
3. Puck

While others may think that anyone with a great talent will outshine her. They’d vote like this:

1. Puck
2. Finn
3. Jesse

Another issue could be their religion. Some voters may think that Rachel really needs to mate with a Jew, and would prefer Puck. However, Finn has said he will raise Jewish babies and they’d rather see that than nothing:

1. Puck
2. Finn
3. Jesse

Regarding stability, voters may just want to make sure someone stays on the show long enough to love her:

1. Finn
2. Puck/Jesse
3. Jesse/Puck

And it goes on, and on. The extreme Puck lovers will vote for Puck and the extreme Jesse lovers will vote for Jesse and the normal Finn lovers will vote for Finn. But, let’s say that there are more Jews on campus who would prefer Rachel have Jewish babies.  In a FPTP system, let’s say the result was 43% for Puck vs 40% for Finn vs 17% for Jesse. Puck could win with the most votes, even though if you added Finn and Jesse’s number together, more people voted to NOT have Puck than those who did. FPTP doesn’t mean you need a MAJORITY of votes (51%) it just means you need the MOST votes (which in this case is 43%).So while Puck may win with FPTP, most students wouldn’t be happy with this decision, because 57% of them voted for Not Puck.

Using Condorcet, students are allowed to rank who they want Rachel to be with, and more students are happier. Looking at the issues and how they voted, Finn was a consistent second choice with both Puck and Jesse lovers. At the end of the day, we can all just agree that Finn is the best option because he can both sing and play sports, doesn’t outshine Rachel, will raise Jewish babies, and isn’t going to leave her.

This is like the VP External race. The Knollies will vote for Rory, the Greeks will vote for Katherine, and the Hacks will vote for Mitch. The winner will probably be Katherine or Mitch. They are both very similar and have a lot of experience, so it’s hard to differentiate between them. The second place votes from the Knollies, Frats, and other random students will probably seal the deal as to who wins this race. (UBC Insiders did a council poll and actually found there to be different results using Condorcet vs FPTP in only this race, watch for their post coming up). The VP Academic race is the same. Matt will get the Greeks, Jennifer will get the Knollies, and Justin will get everybody else. The winner will probably be determined by whoever gets the most second place votes.

Omar Chaaban has been reinstated in the Presidential Race. Details will be coming soon as we get them, but it looks like the last nominator was indeed part of the theological colleges like our commentors were suspecting.

Update: The EA’s full explanation is here. Basically, it took a long time to figure shit out due to unpaid fees that were actually paid, etc. As UBC Insiders writes, “If there’s any clear winner in all of this, it’s bureaucracy.”

Omar Chaaban has been disqualified from the AMS President race, by some random twist of fate that really, really sucks for him by having only 49 nominators instead of 50.

“It will not be revoked, I wouldn’t have disqualified him otherwise.” -Erik Mackinnon, Elections Administrator

In order to be nominated, you need 50 signatures. It is usually recommended that you get more than 50 in case some people lie to you/write ineligibly/be human, and that’s even allotted on the form. Omar got exactly 50 signatures, and two of them were, well, iffy.

Turns out that one of the numbers was deemed legible by enrolment services but that the other number nominator “was not currently a member of the Alma Mater Society of Vancouver.” Apparently the nominator is currently taking classes, but enrolment services is adamant they are not allowed to nominate/vote in the elections, so we don’t have exact details.

Sorry, Omar <3 To cheer you up, we give you this:

PS In a funny twist of fate, this editor’s student number was also “iffy”, but she was deemed eligible in the end.

Sometimes there’s a certain person that was just made to be put in the (dim, pink hued) spotlight that is the AMS Confidential. Tom Dvorak was one such person, who was a constant source of amazingly witty, uncensored quotes.

Thanks, Ubyssey 2010.04.08

El Presidente Bijan is also one of those guys. It’s like every time he opens his mouth, there’s something we can write about here. Now, he’s stepped into our realm: blogging. It’s a cut-throat world in the blogosphere, and I don’t know if Bijan knows what he’s getting himself into. Why bother, anyways? It’s not like there’s any money in this blog world anymore (Thanks Erik Mackinnon!). To further it, he’s billing himself as king shit, err, “AMS Media Done Right.” Oh bish plz. Dems defs fightin’ words.

I’m not going to comment on the “scene” in his vlog where the girls start screaming at him, steal his scarf, then he promptly begins to run away. I understand this situation may be uncomfortable for some, but from my research the past couple years, girls don’t have cooties anymore, and won’t hurt us men.

Regardless of how he could totally take advantage of the blog world merely to associate with the awesome people that inhabit it, Bijan is doing this for himself. Although supporting campus media, he doesn’t feel like he’s always getting the whole story. He wants the details. So it’s better if he’s in his office, making unilateral decisions, then reporting on them to all of us plebes down in the hitherlands, while looking down upon us and spending our student fees from his corner office in his castle. Bijan knows what’s best, right? Right.

I loves me dem details.

Holy shit, we’re only a minute into dissecting this video. To summarize… blah blah blah talk talk talk the new SUB is happening all because of me because I took the leadership to finalize the agreements and if I didn’t the building wasn’t going to happen because talks had stalled for TWO RIDICULOUSLY LONG YEARS. Good job, Bijan, Take all the credit for all the hard work past execs had done. That referendum to pay for the new SUB? That was probably all you too. Pat on the back!

Bijan then likens himself and his Executive to Team fricken Canada. Well, Canada just gave up 5 goals to the Russians in the 3rd period of the World Junior Championship game, so I suppose we’re completely fucked as a student society. Then he talks about UBC’s Got Talent. Bah. You know how we feel about that. Thanks to our strong campus partnerships, tickets are free! Wow! Thanks Bijan! Maybe put those awesome partnership skills you have into use and get us some sponsors for Block Party, or other events people actually give a shit about.

My favourite part comes next, and I quote: “Stephen Toope gives very tender hugs, but that is all that I’m aware of.” It’s like he wrapped up the awkwardness of a grade 9 high school dance into one sentence. I don’t know what would compel any human being to say this about another person when their relationship is questioned. To me, this screams that YES, Bijan, you are too close to the administration. Now if you start reading the Financial Times with ZeeVP and wearing matching bow-ties with B-Sull, then we’d have an even bigger problem than this now annual deficit business.

At tonight’s special Gazapalooza! edition of Council, only a few things were certain.

1. An overwhelming, choking, poisonous atmosphere of smugness. In the immortal words of Paris Hilton, you know what you did.
2. Terrorism should be left to Elin Tayyar.
3. Legal opinions are only worth the price tag if you pass their recommended motion in the first hour.
4. The VP Academic office is awesome.

this meme never gets old.

5. The VP Academic office is craaaaazy awesome.

I'm rethinking not checking off "irrelevant point from legal opinion."

And

6. The Resource Groups, bastions of democratic autonomy though they may be, could use some extra steps towards organization and visibility, if not a complete and utter overhaul.

TO THAT END, we’d like to recommend something.

Whereas the Resource Groups in their current incarnation are divisive, reclusive and often out of touch with student sentiment;
and Whereas they seem overall in need of a…resurgence of public opinion, aka a Total Image Overhaul,
BIRT the Social Justice Centre rename themselves, and act in accordance with new policies of (to be agreed upon by Council in a further resolution & supported by referendum)

THE SOCIAL JUSTICE LEAGUE

(c) Gerald Deo, GOD AMONG MEN

YES, on this beleaguered campus, has it not become clear that the League exists to battle the forces of injustice? As evildoers and naysayers take the reins of the highest positions of government, only the SOCIAL JUSTICE LEAGUE can save students from oligarchy! oligarchy and CRIPPLING DESPAIR. and false dichotomies. can’t forget them false dichotomies.

Featuring the forces of…

THE RHETORATOR!
Teddy Sturgeon seems like a mild-mannered PhD student in his 5th 7th 10th 24th? year. But when injustice strikes, he changes into THE RHETORATOR, defender of things we’re not really sure about! Able to strike down enemies with the force of his twenty-minute speeches, he wields references to rape culture with the power of centuries of white male guilt. Beware, evil-doers: THE RHETORATOR is reading your blog.

CARE-IELLE!
This femme fatale’s origins may be mysterious, but her lethal attacks are well-known. CARE-IELLE leaps into action when called upon by any progressive cause, no matter its strength. Human rights being violated? Call CARE-IELLE! Elected leaders being thrown out of office? CARE-IELLE! Cat stuck in a tree… inhumanely? Yeah, better call CARE-IELLE. No problem is too great—or too small—for her to tackle.

THE UNKNOWN COMMENTER!
Spiderman. Batman. Most of the X-Men, on and off. The events of Civil War. Sometimes, justice needs to hide behind a mask of anonymity. THE UNKNOWN COMMENTER understands that great deeds can grow from small seeds. Thus, his never-ending crusade to change minds and subvert oppression from the last free bastion of the people’s press: the comments section. Whether it’s (courageously) calling someone a racist or (with great gusto) condemning someone as a fundamentalist, THE UNKNOWN COMMENTER serves his community with no expectation of reward beyond that satisfaction of a job well done—an injustice righted.

スーパーせんたい JUSTICE GO!

This post has been brought to you by the zionist conspiracy liberation front. As always, your comments make us squeeeeeeeeal. VOTE VOTE VOTE!