Vigilance!

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Catty Unattributed Overheard of the Day:

OMG, I can’t believe Foxtrot broke news.

That said, it’s absolutely true—Foxtrot was the first to let their admiring public know that Pak Ho Leung, relatively unknown Presidential candidate, has been caught prematurely campaigning on Facebook.

What hurts most, of course, is not that they hunted him down first—it’s the bad erection joke they’ve made in their title.  DAMN, SON.  That’s unicorn-level good/bad.  And for that, we’re giving you our Man of the Hour award, Foxtrot Writers.  Well done, sirs—and madam.

<3 <3 <3

Umbrella, anyone?

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smaller than this one, though.

Elections shitstorm’s a-brewin’, kids.

Apparently the folks at the Ubyssey took it upon themselves to ask a few key politicos (*cough*El Bahmadian*cough*) a few key questions during last week’s All Candidates Meeting—standard reporting procedure, one might think.

Except certain elections officials are interpreting this as possible campaigning—strictly verboten until the 18th—and have, hence, forbidden publication of the question and its answer.

Gosh, I wonder if newspaper folk (who are already on edge after months of Blake-Frederick-enacted poor communications) would take offense at that kind of ultimatum?

The totally tragic part is that Newspaper News (Sam Jung) + Elections (Isabel Ferreras) are, like, super-close.  Way close.  Close in ways we can’t even tell you (but which aren’t what you’re thinking now, perv-o.)

"Hand check" close. (Gerald Deo photo)

I’m trying to think of a reality TV parallel to this, but all I’ve got is, like, Kim & that crazy girl on some old season of ANTM.  Thoughts?

Aaaand they’re off.

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Day one after the announcement of candidates, and rumor has it

(and by ‘rumor’ I mean verifiable evidence plus the natural supposition that of course elections officials are in Panic Epic Work Mode at the moment)

that Chief Elections Officer & CEO of Our Hearts Isabel Ferreras has spent her morning off and on the phone to her staff.  Certainly we’ve already seen three—three!—BoG candidates drop out.  Goodbye, Peter Stein, AJ Hajir Hajian, and Nader Beyzaei—we hardly knew ye.

We’ve got the complete list for you after the break, but first, let’s take a little walk down quelle scandale potentiale lane, y’all.

The buzz at beer last night and brunch this morning was triplefold—quadruple if you count the cheap Gallery pitchers—but it boils down to this:

  1. Blake Frederick.  It’s been too easy lately to forget that our BF came into office as something of a golden boy, hailed by supporters and detractors alike both for his passionate commitment and political credentials.

    Happier times.  (Photo: Gerald Deo)

    And despite—or perhaps because of—the shitshow that’s marked his end of term, Frederick hasn’t given up the political life.  He’s thrown his hat into, in fact, three races—not only the usual Senate/BoG pairing, but also the Ubyssey’s Board of Directors.  This last is interesting considering that Frederick & our beloved campus publication are not what you’d call the best of friends.  There have been scathing editorials all round and a rather sudden crackdown on AMS communications policy getting in the way of good relations.  With all that history, one wonders what the Ubyssey Board could look like at this time next year—assuming, of course, that Frederick doesn’t disqualify himself by winning another race.

  2. The positions of interest. Although it’s not unusual to see BoG, Senate, and VP External attract a few more competitors than other positions, this year’s International Student Rep hopefuls are almost frighteningly numerous.  You guys know this position is non-voting, right?  (And Star, you know you submitted all materials without a last name, right? you do know? and it’s a thing? oh. cool.)  It’s also heartening to see two relative unknowns rounding out the Presidential nominees, although it makes hunting for pictures a heckuva lot harder.  Don’t even ask me about typing the tags up for this post.  RIDICULOUS.

    YOU SEE HOW I SUFFER FOR YOU

  3. The Elections Committee’s (presumed) accountability screed. One of the new features this year will be a PENALTY BOX on the Elections official website.  Isabel Ferreras is a formidable woman, as seen here:

    cower, puny candidates!! leg-biting will be penalized!

    and we have no doubt that she won’t hesitate to use this box, which purpose is to daily—publicly!—keep the voting public very aware of any and all “warnings, violations, infractions and penalties.” It’s a move we here at Fuzzy Kitten Unicorn Scandal are looking forward to a little too much, frankly.

BUT WHO ELSE is out there? here are the people we’ll be stalking bothering in the name of Fair Game Media Coverage for the next month:

Continue reading →

ACM: Beers before Recaps

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All Candidates Meeting! what exciting times.  Isabel (Ferreras, Chief Elections Officer) ran things with incredible speed and efficiency, so even heavily venerated hacks are having trouble compiling complete lists.  Will Davis, Swarthy VFM Dude, tells us there’ll be an official list out soon, so, uh… this particular tipsy reporter will wait for that.

(What? It’s Friday. I HAVE NEEDS.)

In the meantime, have some fun quotes from our delicious delicious elections comm:

Ricardo (CRO): I don’t want you guys to have my phone number.  Most of you guys are creeps.

Isabel: Jell-O wrestling, I don’t know a lot about, but maybe Ricardo can fill you in.  …  It’s not obligatory.

Oh, yes.  There will be Jell-O.  And, in the near future, an explanation for this:

Oh, hey, that looks like a fun time.

WWND: What Would Naylor Do?

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With the ballot approval of 5 of 6 Matt Naylor-driven referenda in last night’s Council meeting and a pledge by the aforementioned Arts Man to collect the required signatures to push the EPIC slates question through, this election is taking on a decidedly Naylor-esque focus.  In fact, perusal of our (rather limited) files would seem to indicate a decidedly Naylorean focus to a lot of political events ’round these parts.

In last night’s happenings, Naylor was named Chair of the Legislative Procedures Committee, effectively making him Chairman Naylor and cementing his title as the robust ruler of AMS Council. There is a war raging on campus, as evidenced in last night’s meeting, between the current President and the People. Naylor has begun the Long March towards 1000 signatures and will not stop until his archnemesis Stalin Blake Frederick is held accountable for his rendezvous <insert human rights jokes here>.

Whether you want to sound smarter & more politically involved to that cutie sitting next to you at debates (come on, you know all this power stuff just turns you on), or you’re a member of UVSS who’s determined to follow mainland happenings, here are a few terms to drop in the next three months before the big man finally, like all student politicians, graduates.

Naylorism: A lengthy comment characterized by verbal free-wheeling, grandstanding, or at least one reference to something one holds dear, i.e. an established office or Democracy—bonus points for condemning, in the midst of this, Tim Chu.  A Double Naylorism can be achieved by following with a wry comment, being cut off by Speaker Dave, or inadvertently spitting/pounding the table with your fist.  A Triple Naylorism requires a shot of Aquavit just to get started.

These positions are not to be used as personal chew toys – ignoring relationship maintenance is the same as ignoring the UPass – it is a vital part of the portfolio left undone.

The AMS is very sick. It is in need of more structural reform than I could have imagined. The people who are elected to serve it … are being deceitful, disingenuous, disorganized, disrespectful … [and are] responsible for shattering the Society’s democratic safeguards.

The Olympic legacy on campus could be far more than a new arena – I am concerned that it could represent the opening of the floodgates in terms of the abuse of civil liberties on campus.

Meta-Naylorism: any Naylorism which includes a self-aware reference to cult geek fandom, e.g. Star Wars, Star Trek, BSG, Buffy.

Giles: “I’ll have you know that I have very, um, many relaxing hobbies.”
Buffy: “Such as?”
Giles: “Well, um…I enjoy cross-referencing.”

– Naylor on Lexis-Nexis

Naylorite: 1) A devotee of all things Naylor, particularly those who own two or more former Naylor campaign materials.  2) A political ally who benefits from Naylorean enthusiasm/epic Naylorisms, whether or not their support is widely expressed.  3) Taylor Loren, total Naylor groupie (who was near tears when proxying for him last night), ruiner of any shred of supposed journalistic neutrality/integrity, as evidenced by this Top Secret File:

Witness.

*For context: “Naylorism” Quotes One, Two, and Three.

Last Night’s Whatever

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Researchers say the G-spot doesn’t appear to exist.  Super-tragic!  However, there are still lots of fun things for you to play with from last night’s Council meeting—like these brand-spanking-new ballot-approved referenda:

  1. DESTROY ALL BLAKES
  2. DESTROY ALL TIMS
  3. “Engagement Levy”
  4. Fees Tied to CPI
  5. —fail—requires more signatures to get Slates
  6. Bylaw Amendments for Director Removal, etc.

And rumors abound of the following folks being tipped for nominations—although nothing’s in stone until Saturday’s meeting.  (If you know anything fun about one of them that’s not going to consitute a gross violation of privacy—past political efforts, charming policy predilections—do give us a shout.)

  • VP Academic: Rodrigo Ferrari-Nunes (former pres nominee plus a bunch of other involvement, Ben Cappellacci (psyduck lover, safewalk coordinator, marketing, DKE)
  • VP Admin: Ekat Dovjenko (Commerce rep, dangerous curves)
  • VP Finance: empty????
  • President: Natalie Swift (08-09 Forestry rep, VPX FUS, sexy plaid-wearer); Bijan Ahmadian (um… everything, “Persian Mario”)
  • VP External: Jeremy McElroy (Man of Arts, sexy DJ), Tim Chu (possible fallback career: go-go dancer?)
  • Undecided: Aaron Palm (joke candidate?, former silly VP Admin candidate)

But enough of this old news.  For what do you salivate, dear Ubyssey editorial staff readers?  oh yeah.  FASHION COUNCIL!!!1!!

Although Dylan Callow (Commerce kid-at-large) continued to represnt classy short coats & a general aura of healthy Canadian youth, I’m afraid it was the Arts kids who again swept our highly subjective grading system.  Tim Chu repeated a truly epic small-check collared shirt, which, combined with his ultra-soft grey sweater, managed to communicate both fantastic style and an aura of cuddliness. Plus, smaller man, layering up, always good.  Mitch Wright dialled it in with his usual hipster-casual, but points are awarded for finding the perfect mustard t-shirt to pair with one of the colors in your ubiquitous plaid.  Guillaume Houle‘s amazing buttery leathery grandpa shoes set our editors s-s-s-swooning, and Crystal Hon kindly pointed out to us that although she was wearing Uncharacteristic Pants (gasp!shock!) her top was Ella Moss.  Studded.  KNITWEAR WIN.

See also: "Twins"

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K + T,
So I was at home over the break, relaxing. While watching old movies,
I couldn’t help but notice that Tom Dvorak bears a good resemblance to
a Kindergarten Cop-era Arnold Schwarzenegger. I think it’s the hair.

With files from Neal Yonson

Kittens and Unicorns,
Neal

Dear Neal,
You’re a total dreamboat, and your taste in childhood movies is impeccable.
Huggles and Kisstaculars,
K + T

Who is YOUR Prince Charming?

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If you’re sitting in AMS Council and getting a little bored, a little horny noticing all the beautiful faces around you and slipping into lalaland, have no fear! We are here to help you solve the burning desires of your heart and your loins.

So, who is YOUR Prince Charming? Click this flow chart to find out who you are meant to be with <3 <3 <3

Timkachu– If you like to take charge and love all things left or orange and need a sidekick in life, he is the man for you. Maybe you can take advantage of all his sweet awesome lobbying skills and do it in a Translink bus?

Blake– The next maverick and saviour of all things oppressed, he’s a real take charge kind of guy. Beware, he may have a sexy fling with an expensive lawyer lover on the side.

Geoff- The next conservative minority Great Prime Minister needs a lady by his side who can be quiet, dress well, and say something intelligent when asked. If you are going to UBC and getting a BA and never really plan on using it, Geoff is your guy. Be prepared for a life in the spotlight and lots of petting. Kittens, that is.

Tom- Pretty much the perfect combination of class mixed with nerdiness, this finance lover will keep you secure, satisfied, and leading a generally happy life. What isn’t to love about those baby blues? If you are a woman who is going to law school and intends on having an awesome career, Tom will be the perfect trophy husband.

Jeremy- This DJ will keep you and your beats rocking until the early dawn. Rumoured to be the best kisser on Council, his boisterous personality is the perfect match to your popularity and overall Carrie sex appeal. Who knows, he might even turn out to be your Mr. Big 😉

Johannes- The most beautiful of them all, Johannes is the brainy yet dreamy man for you, the epitome of a Prince Charming. Plus, his electric violin musicality will have you wanting more more more. For all you Charlotte-types out there, Johannes is the pretty-boy fantasy for your white picket fences. We recommend spooning. In fact, we always recommend spooning.

Mike Duncan- So fabulous he has two names, this photo says it all. Let out the sexual animal in you by going cowgirl…wait, is that a fist I see? If you are so badass that you don’t need a man for money/security/happiness and just want some love and lovemaking, Mike is your Prince. Plus, according to his Facebook, he wants to be a stay-at-home dad.

Like your result? Leave it for us in the comments & let everyone know who your dream AMS lovah is.

Naylor Smash MORE! & other potential funtimes

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UBC Insiders, with their commitment to Issues That Matter, beat us to the punch, but in case you like your news with unicorns, here are the six questions (a.k.a possible future referenda) being circulated for votes:

  1. Remove Blake from office
  2. Remove Tim from office
  3. A $5 “engagement levy”—also known as a fee to be paid by non-voters
  4. The (exciting!!!) return of slates
  5. Indexing AMS fees to the CPI (Consumer Price Index) so they rise with inflation
  6. Amending bylaws so that future execs can be removed from office legally PLUS bonus voting seats for VST, Regent and St. Mark’s

The democratic process round these parts being what it is, we’d like to remind you potential newly-interested voters that you can sign one single petition for some, all, or none of these questions.  In other words, it’s hell of easy to exercise your god- and AMS-fees-given voting rights. And heck, even if you’re not sure how you feel, signing only contributes toward making these referenda—meaning the student body as a whole will have to vote on them again.

The thoughtful Kyle Warwick was taking a clipboard door-to-door today in the SUB, and there’s a permanent station over in MASS if you’re near Buchanan tomorrow and feel like gettin’ political. And sexy. Because politics, if you were unaware, is FUN and SEXXXY

And finally, to fulfill our daily quota, here’s a unicorn within a unicorn:

Men of Several Hours Ago

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Before Council completely overshadows the outdated UN Debacle with its scintillating debate of whether or not to reallocate $1,000 for slam poetry at the Student Leadership Conference, we thought we’d show some love.

MAN OF THE HOUR #1: Edward Pullman, UVSS Director of Finance

Although some may question our commitment to the democratic process for this, we’d just like to point out that it takes balls the size of truck tires to ask students in Victoria to support a shitshow in Vancouver.  Plus, look at those puppy dog eyes.  Has Finance ever been this cute at the AMS?

MAN OF THE HOUR #2: Hillson Tse, Former Senator and Shit-Disturber

Not only is his entire Facebook full of photos like this, he’s also the creator of the Impeach the AMS Pres & VPX Group on aforementioned social network.  Politically active? check.  Witty, articulate, and snarky? check.  Roster of amazing eyebrow-based expressions? check. Oh, and he does ballroom dancing and likes puppies.  Be still my heart.