Sometimes there’s a certain person that was just made to be put in the (dim, pink hued) spotlight that is the AMS Confidential. Tom Dvorak was one such person, who was a constant source of amazingly witty, uncensored quotes.

Thanks, Ubyssey 2010.04.08

El Presidente Bijan is also one of those guys. It’s like every time he opens his mouth, there’s something we can write about here. Now, he’s stepped into our realm: blogging. It’s a cut-throat world in the blogosphere, and I don’t know if Bijan knows what he’s getting himself into. Why bother, anyways? It’s not like there’s any money in this blog world anymore (Thanks Erik Mackinnon!). To further it, he’s billing himself as king shit, err, “AMS Media Done Right.” Oh bish plz. Dems defs fightin’ words.

I’m not going to comment on the “scene” in his vlog where the girls start screaming at him, steal his scarf, then he promptly begins to run away. I understand this situation may be uncomfortable for some, but from my research the past couple years, girls don’t have cooties anymore, and won’t hurt us men.

Regardless of how he could totally take advantage of the blog world merely to associate with the awesome people that inhabit it, Bijan is doing this for himself. Although supporting campus media, he doesn’t feel like he’s always getting the whole story. He wants the details. So it’s better if he’s in his office, making unilateral decisions, then reporting on them to all of us plebes down in the hitherlands, while looking down upon us and spending our student fees from his corner office in his castle. Bijan knows what’s best, right? Right.

I loves me dem details.

Holy shit, we’re only a minute into dissecting this video. To summarize… blah blah blah talk talk talk the new SUB is happening all because of me because I took the leadership to finalize the agreements and if I didn’t the building wasn’t going to happen because talks had stalled for TWO RIDICULOUSLY LONG YEARS. Good job, Bijan, Take all the credit for all the hard work past execs had done. That referendum to pay for the new SUB? That was probably all you too. Pat on the back!

Bijan then likens himself and his Executive to Team fricken Canada. Well, Canada just gave up 5 goals to the Russians in the 3rd period of the World Junior Championship game, so I suppose we’re completely fucked as a student society. Then he talks about UBC’s Got Talent. Bah. You know how we feel about that. Thanks to our strong campus partnerships, tickets are free! Wow! Thanks Bijan! Maybe put those awesome partnership skills you have into use and get us some sponsors for Block Party, or other events people actually give a shit about.

My favourite part comes next, and I quote: “Stephen Toope gives very tender hugs, but that is all that I’m aware of.” It’s like he wrapped up the awkwardness of a grade 9 high school dance into one sentence. I don’t know what would compel any human being to say this about another person when their relationship is questioned. To me, this screams that YES, Bijan, you are too close to the administration. Now if you start reading the Financial Times with ZeeVP and wearing matching bow-ties with B-Sull, then we’d have an even bigger problem than this now annual deficit business.

At tonight’s special Gazapalooza! edition of Council, only a few things were certain.

1. An overwhelming, choking, poisonous atmosphere of smugness. In the immortal words of Paris Hilton, you know what you did.
2. Terrorism should be left to Elin Tayyar.
3. Legal opinions are only worth the price tag if you pass their recommended motion in the first hour.
4. The VP Academic office is awesome.

this meme never gets old.

5. The VP Academic office is craaaaazy awesome.

I'm rethinking not checking off "irrelevant point from legal opinion."

And

6. The Resource Groups, bastions of democratic autonomy though they may be, could use some extra steps towards organization and visibility, if not a complete and utter overhaul.

TO THAT END, we’d like to recommend something.

Whereas the Resource Groups in their current incarnation are divisive, reclusive and often out of touch with student sentiment;
and Whereas they seem overall in need of a…resurgence of public opinion, aka a Total Image Overhaul,
BIRT the Social Justice Centre rename themselves, and act in accordance with new policies of (to be agreed upon by Council in a further resolution & supported by referendum)

THE SOCIAL JUSTICE LEAGUE

(c) Gerald Deo, GOD AMONG MEN

YES, on this beleaguered campus, has it not become clear that the League exists to battle the forces of injustice? As evildoers and naysayers take the reins of the highest positions of government, only the SOCIAL JUSTICE LEAGUE can save students from oligarchy! oligarchy and CRIPPLING DESPAIR. and false dichotomies. can’t forget them false dichotomies.

Featuring the forces of…

THE RHETORATOR!
Teddy Sturgeon seems like a mild-mannered PhD student in his 5th 7th 10th 24th? year. But when injustice strikes, he changes into THE RHETORATOR, defender of things we’re not really sure about! Able to strike down enemies with the force of his twenty-minute speeches, he wields references to rape culture with the power of centuries of white male guilt. Beware, evil-doers: THE RHETORATOR is reading your blog.

CARE-IELLE!
This femme fatale’s origins may be mysterious, but her lethal attacks are well-known. CARE-IELLE leaps into action when called upon by any progressive cause, no matter its strength. Human rights being violated? Call CARE-IELLE! Elected leaders being thrown out of office? CARE-IELLE! Cat stuck in a tree… inhumanely? Yeah, better call CARE-IELLE. No problem is too great—or too small—for her to tackle.

THE UNKNOWN COMMENTER!
Spiderman. Batman. Most of the X-Men, on and off. The events of Civil War. Sometimes, justice needs to hide behind a mask of anonymity. THE UNKNOWN COMMENTER understands that great deeds can grow from small seeds. Thus, his never-ending crusade to change minds and subvert oppression from the last free bastion of the people’s press: the comments section. Whether it’s (courageously) calling someone a racist or (with great gusto) condemning someone as a fundamentalist, THE UNKNOWN COMMENTER serves his community with no expectation of reward beyond that satisfaction of a job well done—an injustice righted.

スーパーせんたい JUSTICE GO!

This post has been brought to you by the zionist conspiracy liberation front. As always, your comments make us squeeeeeeeeal. VOTE VOTE VOTE!

Want to get in on all the action tonight? We just decided to liveblog, see after the jump.

Follow the meeting on twitter here, and use the hashtag #gazapalooza.

Watch The Ubyssey’s livestream of the meeting here.

Background info on everything Gazapalooza is right here on AMS Confidential.

But DON’T FORGET! We have an extremely exciting activity: Gazapalooza BINGO!

That’s right. Simply click here, REFRESH the page, and keep a tally! Once you get five in a row, if you are the first person to stand up and yell SHENANIGANS! then you will win a pitcher of bzzr courtesy of AMS Confidential <3

Like what we’re doing? Please go vote for us now so we can get funding, which allows us to give you prizes like bzzr!!

a very peculiar Ubyssey photo.

And now, for the liveblog-

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It’s hard to believe one year has passed since the most hilariously catastrophic student government fail occurred. We had different friends, different lovers, different blogs (who here remembers UBC Spectator?) and a different President. It is now November 2010 and we are debating the Gaza strip. Have we really come that far? We give you the latest in AMS Council news, aka Bijan’s blunders, which sort of remind us of Blake’s blunders. Grab a drink or five and get ready for this trip down memory lane… (but first, vote for us in VFM right now!!)

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UBC’s Got Talent had an alright poster. Then we made it better.

Then they made a fancy animated version and put it on the AMS website. Being the jealous brat I am, I put the Confidential design team to work. This is what they came up with, and I’ve never been more proud of them.

Whatever it is you’re doing this week, whether you’re drowning in midterms, starting one of your five term papers, or just struggling with school in general, just take a break. Have a beer at The Gallery, or a coffee at Blue Chip. See that person behind you? For bonus points, buy their drink too, and tell them to pay it forward. You never know how easy it is to make someone’s day.

Cheers everyone. Happy Tuesday.