The most sparkly news we’ve heard in a while is definitely THE RETURN OF THE JOHANNES. He is running for President and that means…that if he wins, he’ll be back on AMS Council. Be still, our hearts.

There’s currently some baby scandal occurring, because he’s not allowed to campaign for the next 24 hours, according to a Facebook message we got. Whatever, we are jumping the gun and officially endorsing Johannes for CUS President. Because Johannes is the best. In fact, he is so amazing and Confidential loves him soo much (possibly more than our uber-crush Guvna Sean Heisler) that we compiled a list.

1. We endorsed him last year for Senate. He was also the VP Academic for the AMS. He knows what he’s doing, and he’s a sexy bitch. Plus, it’d be really great to have another former exec back on council, for some sanity.

2. He was the favourite choice of our AMS Prince Charming guide. We can’t ignore the voters!

3. He is Estonian.

4. He speaks like, 4 languages.

5. He likes Pedobear. This is him at the Anime Convention last year.

6. HIS WEBSITE IS THE GREATEST THING EVER. Besides having a great theme which makes him look like the most! fun! person! ever!, he also uses TUMBLR and FOURSQUARE for his CAMPAIGN. [Editor’s Note: Taylor is a huge social media geek and thinks this is the greatest thing since sliced bread. She is weird.]

7. This video. (special appearance by Ben Cappellacci too!)

8. He is a musician, and plays the electric violin. No, we’re not joking. Yes, he’s the perfect man. Listen here. Oh, and he was in a band once upon a time.

9. He wears glasses, enough said.

10. Look at him. He is just seriously so, so, cute. VOTE JOHANNES FOR PRESIDENT.

and know that a drunk post is coming.

So, our little mission statement is “exposing the down and dirty of UBC politics.” While we certainly enjoy exposing the down (who’s single? who’s dating who?), it does pain us to expose the dirty politics. While the AMS has had it’s low points (the UN, Gaza) it hasn’t been all that petty (except for Lettergate). Until today, with the slanderous behaviour of the AMS’ President, Bijan Ahmadian with his latest bullshit video, specifically around the 4:24 mark. If you want to see how dirty politics is played out, you might want to check out Blackbox UBC’s bitchslapping of councillors.

He’s taken endorsements to the whole new level with a video not only disendorsing one of his current executives, but slandering him at the same time. He still has to work with Jeremy for a month. Not only is this embarrassing and disgraceful to the entire Alma Mater Society, Bijan is once again failing with public relations and using his status to discredit his executive.

At the end of the day, Bijan, you’re a “31 year old who has yet to graduate and has a talent show as your achievement,” and your argument is invalid.

*Full Disclosure: Kai, one of the founding editors of Confidential and currently a contributor of sparkly surveys galore, is dating Jeremy McElroy. She didn’t contribute anything to this post.*

Argument: “I led a campaign where 3200 students signed a petition in favour of rapid transit…and, consequently, they changed the regional growth strategy.”

Invalid! Elin actually had to take this project on with Jeremy. Also, 3200 signatures out of like, 46 000 students isn’t really that great, so I don’t know why anyone is wanting to claim this as their own anyway. While Metro Van made UBC and Surrey equal priorities, the person sitting beside me says that “everyone knows that’s bullshit and South Surrey will come out on top…it’s a waste of time.”

Argument: “It should have been the VP External Jeremy McElroy doing this work.”

Invalid! It was.

Argument: “He has told me that the AMS President’s role is to be the public opposition to the university”

Invalid! This is slander, I asked Jeremy if he said that and he assured me he didn’t. He also talked about working WITH the university at the debate tonight, so there’s that.

Argument: “We’ve had too many insiders in the AMS President’s office”

Invalid! While we think the nod to UBC Insiders, intentional or not, is hilarious, it’s actually ridiculous. Bijan ran on the basis that he’s been at UBC for 11 years or whatever in his election, and threw that around like it was the greatest thing to ever hit the AMS. To all of a sudden switch to thinking that it is essential for a “regular student” to be in the Presidents office is hypocritical.

Oh, and talking about how Mike Moll is SOOO COOL because he LIVED IN TOTEM, ran for things, and plays the SAXOPHONE. Well, Jeremy McElroy LIVED IN TOTEM and ran for things and plays the SAXOPHONE. Hilarious.

Basically, Bijan made a video endorsing all the people that he handpicked to run in the elections and threw it all under his glorious header as the 101st President of the AMS. Classy.

“University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.” – Henry Kissinger

Play nice, kids.

This post may look to be boring. Election systems, you ask? How can those be at all fun? Well, dear reader, you are wrong. This is going to be the most epic post of your life and you are about to get SCHOOLED in so much politics that you will be able to impress your entire family next year at Christmas when they question what good a Canadian Studies/Art History/English degree will get you in life. Ahem.

AMS Council decided a few years ago to hold elections via Condorcet voting, instead of First Past the Post (FPTP- like how you vote in a government election). Due to UBC fucking over the AMS by underestimating how long it would take to implement a new elections system, AMS Council had this huge debate over FPTP vs Condorcet last night. UPDATE: Someone saved the day and now we’re now using Condorcet after all!

Below are our interpretations of the two systems and how it would work out in real life/pop culture land using Twilight and Glee. Yes, we fucking just did that.

First Past the Post aka Edward vs Jacob

The love triangle is abundant in pop culture, even if its usually culminated with the exact wrong couple getting together. Take Twilight for example. Team Jacob or Team Edward has divided giggly tweens around the world, and this is a perfect example of when first the past is a good system.

For some reason that we can’t quite understand, Bella is keen on Edward (ok, yes, the vampire sex scene in Breaking Dawn was quite amazing), the no-fun vampire who wants to get married and then isolate Bella from everyone she knows.

We think that Bella would have a lot more fun, and well, actually be ALIVE, if she was with Jacob. Plus, he’s hot. Like, super hot. Who would want to cuddle with an icecube when you can cuddle with a hot water bottle? Yeah, we thought so too.

So whether you’re Team Edward or Team Jacob, if the AMS Elections had a ballot asking you who Bella should choose, first past the post is fine. There’s only two choices, and whoever gets the most votes wins. This is like the race for VP Finance, although the candidates look too similar for us to deem one Jacob and the other Edward. It is also like the race for BoG (pick two) and Senate (pick five). Obviously, Sean Heisler is Jacob in this scenario (has anyone else noticed how buff he is?). [Editor’s Note: Sean Heisler got Chris Eaton from Enrolment Services on the phone in AMS Council at 10:30 AT NIGHT so he could talk to the EA about the elections system. For this, we deem him this year’s first Dreamboat. Re-elect him, he obviously uses his connections well. See below.]

Condorcet Method aka Rachel vs Jesse, Puck, and Finn:

The pop culture love rectangle is more of a complicated scenario, in which a girl who thinks she isn’t all that pretty (yet totally goes all wannabe-third wave feminist with Terry Richardson) has an endless supply of adorable men at her disposal. Unlike Edward and Jacob, fans are not as maniac (read: partisan) about who they prefer and learn to adapt to like the new love interest. And when they’re gone, well, you’re left with distant fond memories of a love that wasn’t really lost.

i'm a jesse man myself, and this moment in "hello" is possibly my favourite glee moment ever.

FPTP brings about more partisan candidates, while preferential balloting yields more centrist candidates. In Condorcet, you get to rank the candidates in order. Whoever is found to be the most likable candidate will win, and this is why joke candidates like Aaron Palm can beat Tim Chu. The candidate chosen is usually the one most people won’t complain about. If people are voting on issues (and since we don’t have slates, they are basically voting on issues), the candidate who has the more palatable stance will be favoured with Condorcet. For example, think of Puckleberry, Fichel, and St. Berry (really? REALLY?)

this was taken from a real fan forum. who says we don't do research?

For some voters, they may think that Rachel really really really needs to be with someone as talented as herself and would vote like this:

1. Jesse
2. Finn
3. Puck

While others may think that anyone with a great talent will outshine her. They’d vote like this:

1. Puck
2. Finn
3. Jesse

Another issue could be their religion. Some voters may think that Rachel really needs to mate with a Jew, and would prefer Puck. However, Finn has said he will raise Jewish babies and they’d rather see that than nothing:

1. Puck
2. Finn
3. Jesse

Regarding stability, voters may just want to make sure someone stays on the show long enough to love her:

1. Finn
2. Puck/Jesse
3. Jesse/Puck

And it goes on, and on. The extreme Puck lovers will vote for Puck and the extreme Jesse lovers will vote for Jesse and the normal Finn lovers will vote for Finn. But, let’s say that there are more Jews on campus who would prefer Rachel have Jewish babies.  In a FPTP system, let’s say the result was 43% for Puck vs 40% for Finn vs 17% for Jesse. Puck could win with the most votes, even though if you added Finn and Jesse’s number together, more people voted to NOT have Puck than those who did. FPTP doesn’t mean you need a MAJORITY of votes (51%) it just means you need the MOST votes (which in this case is 43%).So while Puck may win with FPTP, most students wouldn’t be happy with this decision, because 57% of them voted for Not Puck.

Using Condorcet, students are allowed to rank who they want Rachel to be with, and more students are happier. Looking at the issues and how they voted, Finn was a consistent second choice with both Puck and Jesse lovers. At the end of the day, we can all just agree that Finn is the best option because he can both sing and play sports, doesn’t outshine Rachel, will raise Jewish babies, and isn’t going to leave her.

This is like the VP External race. The Knollies will vote for Rory, the Greeks will vote for Katherine, and the Hacks will vote for Mitch. The winner will probably be Katherine or Mitch. They are both very similar and have a lot of experience, so it’s hard to differentiate between them. The second place votes from the Knollies, Frats, and other random students will probably seal the deal as to who wins this race. (UBC Insiders did a council poll and actually found there to be different results using Condorcet vs FPTP in only this race, watch for their post coming up). The VP Academic race is the same. Matt will get the Greeks, Jennifer will get the Knollies, and Justin will get everybody else. The winner will probably be determined by whoever gets the most second place votes.