Author Archives: taylorloren

About taylorloren

exposing the down & dirty of UBC politics.

Some News for N00bs, Spring Fling Edition

There’s an Election Today, Go Vote

Vote! Vote! Vote! If you decide not to vote for our super awesome Premier who wears super duper awesome necklaces in super interviews about the super duper UBC Line (get it? she’s super), I don’t care. Just go vote if you live in the Vancouver-Point Grey riding. Polls are open from 8am-8pm and all the info is here.

AMS Council Returns With Doom II

Remember that painful debate about CASA? Yeah, well it’s going to happen again, tonight. At the same meeting where we’re discussing the preliminary budget, spending 40k to hire consultants on the Whistler Lodge, and having a whole slew of committee appointments. Lovely.

So, here’s the deal. The AMS voted to remain as Associate Members of CASA this year (we’d previously been Full Members, then were going to leave entirely until last second) for a lot of reasons. Mainly, it’s half the cost and people didn’t know what the budget situation was like, wanted to focus funds on provincial lobbying, and also had doubts about what CASA would actually do for UBC.

Fast forward two months and we’re in the same place again, because turns out that our fee is actually 3/4 the cost instead of half, due to this little gem from the CASA Constitution:

Associate Members shall work toward Full Membership through a two-year phase-in plan. In the first year, Associate Members shall be assessed ½ of the full membership fee. In the second year, Associate Members shall be assessed ¾ of the Full Member fee and, at the end of the second year, must either become a Full Member, or revert to non-member status. To qualify for this level of membership within CASA, a student association must not have been a Member during the most recent Fiscal Year.

So, basically, AMS Council should just decide whether or not to stay in CASA. It doesn’t make any sense to only be an Associate Member if the cost is 3/4 that of full membership, and the conference fees are all a fixed cost.

There have been grumblings that CASA didn’t prove just how awesome they were in this past election, when they had their moment to shine and show us what they got, so it should be interesting to see which way councillors will swing. All or nothing, dudes.

Confidential Gets More Blonde

Introducing our newest writer, Miss Alex of @thewoundeddeer Twitter fame. You mean, hawt blonde engineers exist? Why, yes they do. Be nice to our newest kitten as she navigates the inner workings of the hackosphere and drinks us all under the table while dominating at beer pong.

Anyway, since we like to embarrass everyone on the internet, here she is in all her red glory. Welcome, young padawan.

UBC Doesn’t Move to the NCAA After Three Years of Talking About It

Like, we don’t really care? It’s just sort of like that guy that you’ve been dating, and talked about moving in together, but it never actually happens and you just decide to keep doing your thing. Probably caused lots of drama, some fights, some deep long talks, all for nothing. But if you do care, go here. The burning question, though: Who has hotter athletes? The CIS or the NCAA?

Harper Won A Majority, UBC Vote Mob Gets 5k Views

So, yeah. This happened.

Other Internal Things Happened In the Hackosphere/Blogosphere

if you google search "toope" this is one of the top results.

Things happened that we probably can’t post, for fear of being sued by people we’ve slept with. Because, you know, that’s just way too Maury. Just rest assured that the hookup chart is getting even more incestuous, people aren’t speaking to other people, and summer is going to be verrrry fun for our gossip lovin souls.

Think this post was lame? Yeah, I think so too. Why don’t you do something about your annoyance and apply to be a blogger? That’s right, we’re hiring. Once VFM $$$ gets reinstated, you will be paid for your posts. Send a quick email to amsconfidential at gmail.com saying why you want to write for us, what you want to write about, whether you prefer unicorns or rainbows, and what your favourite meme is. Because we’re all getting old and want to share our hacktastic knowledge. XOXO

AMS Evicting The Ubyssey

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The AMS is attempting to stop campus media from fucking under their own roof.

Early this morning, The Ubyssey student newspaper was served an eviction notice by the AMS due to their “inability to maintain SUB protocol and adhere to sanitation standards.” The Ubyssey currently has a large office in the SUB, and pays their rent by selling ad space to the AMS. This is starting to become a pattern for UBC, where recently the student union at UBC-Okanagan threatened to shut down The Phoenix newspaper altogether.

Health inspectors raided the Ubyssey offices late last night after receiving a concerning tip that a strong taint-like odour was coming from the Ubyssey offices. Upon inspection, there was an alarming amount of fecal manner found in today’s batch of newspapers. “I’ve never smelled that much taint in my life,” said VP Administration Mike Silley, who was present for the inspection.

The AMS had other grounds for eviction, besides the taint incident. According to former VP Admin Crystal Hon, The Ubyssey has been a health hazard since 2009. “I used to have to deal with them all the time – those rodents are disgusting,” said Hon. “The never ending garbage that is The Ubyssey is a constant pain in the AMS’ ass.”

Ekat, VP Admin for 2010 agrees with Hon. “The Ubyssey is just this place of negativity, they only look for the bad side. They never talk about how clean they will keep the new great awesome fantastic SUB, no wonder they attract so many toxins.”

Rumour has it that health hazards aren’t the real reason shit is literally hitting the fan for The Ubyssey.

The AMS is desperate to get back in the Social Justice Centre’s (SJC) theoretical pants after Gazapalooza. The SJC, who is known to complain about everything on campus, apparently tipped off the health inspectors after a rendezvous in the newspaper office ended poorly.

An anonymous source and member of the SJC, referred to as “Kassandra”, went back to the office after a typical Pit night. “I thought he was a good guy, he was part of the paper. Little did I know that him taking me back to his office meant him taking me in the hole.”

The Ubyssey’s interview room was not taped off upon our arrival at the scene, and a sign saying “The Hole” still hung from its door.

“When I got there, he told me he wanted to me to come in the hole, that it was the only place he felt was clean enough. I looked all around the office and agreed. The whole place was just so disgusting and the situation so scarring, I don’t think I’ll ever come again.”

Health inspectors refused to comment on what exactly was found on those questionable couches, but apparently it gets “slept” on frequently. “That co-ordinating editor? Apparently he sleeps there almost every night,” said Kassandra.

Silley did not confirm or deny that the AMS was evicting the Ubyssey in part to fornication. “There’s a reason we’re moving them out of the basement in the new SUB. Lots of windows,” he said.

The SJC is demanding that the AMS make the Ubyssey staff members take equity training, and apply affirmative action to their upcoming editor elections. Rumour has it that a whole SJC slate will be running under the slogan “fuck capitalism, not each other.”

The Culture Editors of The Ubyssey apparently find it sterile enough. (Indiana Joel illustration)

Don’t forget! Today is the spoof edition of The Ubyssey, so remember to pick itup. Also, all Ubyssey staff members are invited to the Annual General Meeting, which will be held in Council Chambers from 12-4pm today.

UBC Votes Gets More Hilarious as Candidates Get More Desperate

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Here’s your mid-week update on all the entertaining pieces of this extremely, extremely boring election. Seriously, candidates hooking up with each other last election (with photographic evidence to boot!) was so much more entertaining.

Last post, we lamented the fact that there are no black people in student politics. Apparently we were wrong. Enter Harsev Oshan, a student from Kenya running to be VP Student Life for the AUS. His campaign is eerily similar to Mike Moll’s as he takes pictures of his “I AM AUSOME” sign, instead of “I CAME TO LEAD.”

no doctoring necessary.

Reinforcing absolutely no stereotypes whatsoever, he released this video under the username “harsizzle” about why you should vote for him. Lyrics include “king of the jungle” (because he’s from Kenya, get it?) and something about how he will inject flava to the AUS. Props to these girls, because it probably took them forever to write this.

Speaking of videos, the AUS Presidential Debate video is now online, along with the two AMS rep videos we couldn’t stay awake through. In his final statement, Justin Yang offers up the metaphor of marriage:

When you have a wedding, you have something old and something new, something borrowed and something blue. I represent that. I’m something old, I’ve been here for four years. But I’m something new, the AUS is new to me. I’ve only been here for a year and that’s not enough. I’m something borrowed, because I was a part of SUS before I became part of the AUS. And I’m something blue, because I was part of SUS. But that’s behind me.

This is my promise to commit to the AUS. The AUS to me is not the other woman, this is my proposal. I’m coming in, and I’d really like to make the AUS my first love.

Arash replied with “I’ve been married to Arts since first year,” so we’re not sure how Sumedha is feeling right about now…

Meanwhile, in Poster Heaven, our own resident RobotBoy has possibly the cutest poster ever! Anyone that has “Our Tallest Senator Yet!” with a paragraph about his signature prep style just wins our hearts over again and again. Click to enlarge!

VOTE 4 _US

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UBC Votes is kicking off Monday, and you have until Fridaaayy Fridayyyy to vote. You also get to vote for who you want to get some moniez for how they covered the elections. Here is why you should vote for us:

The MS-Paint-splattered brainchild of local twittebrity @taylorloren and angry coffee wench @queigh, @AMSConfidential shook up the AMS elections and captured the hearts & minds of hacks. Often-imitated but never surpassed, from day one we’ve brought the sparkle rainbow jams—hard-hitting, n00b-friendly coverage of news, made extra-sexy—and we just keep getting better. As we prepare to take on UBC VOTES-TRAVAGANZA, we pledge to uphold our devastatingly high standards, delivering only the freshest dope and the dopest shit to your RSS feed. Also, we have unicorns.

Now, onto some srs bsns after the jump.

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It’s Gettin’ Hack in Here

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So, we’re currently in the midst of UBC Votes elections…but who the hell cares? Scandal, hotness, we can’t seem to uncover you! What we have noticed, however, is the infiltration of an abundance of hot hacks on campus. Because this blog (and cough single editor cough) finds student politics extremely titillating, let’s get this verbal foreplay over with and get down and dirty with Canada’s finest Presidents and VP Externals visiting for the CASA Conference.

The CASA Team

photo taken by his grandma.

Alex Lougheed: After almost a year, UBC’s favourite policy wonk/the competition/not my ex-boyfriend has returned in a professional capacity as an employee of CASA. Only this time, his hair is more hipster and we stole his Athabasca trophy.

Jessica Seguin: Member Relations for CASA, she came to present at AMS Council last week and, well, Erik didn’t even try to hold back his enthusiasm for how hot she is. She is definitely a babe, but we have a piece of advice for you, darling: run!

he's interviewing with the globe and mail in this pic. knees, weak.

Zach Dayler: This National Director of CASA has his phone number on the internet and seems to be the perfect mixture between geek chic and awkward WASP. Oh, did we mention he was wearing hipster specs at Council last week? We’d also like to imagine that he is more of a rainbows than unicorns kind of guy who’d make you see double rainbows all night long.

Marianka Charalambij: For all you diligent readers who are secretly in love with Taylor but prefer blondes, this is the girl for you. Marianka is the Public Relations and Communications lady, worked at lululemon, and was also a cheerleader…like Taylor. Anyway, Marianka is also a TOTAL HOTTIE and probably has a super sexy accent to go along with her mad dragonboat paddling skillz.

Dalhousie Hotties

Okay, we’ve tweeted this before, but you HAVE TO WATCH THESE VIDEOS, both Chris and Rob seem freaking hilarious and totes droolworthy.

Chris Saulnier: President of DSU, we deem him the hottest hack on campus. Look at that smile! He even made a Justin Bieber themed election video! He’s an engineer, tweets, and enjoys the great outdoors (okay, we don’t, but we’ll imagine it’s charming). We’re just left daydreaming about whether he can juggle fire both in and out of the bedroom…

Rob LeForte: Any man that wears pink spandex has our heart forever. The VP Academic and External for DSU enjoys gangster rap, according to his Twitter. If only we could cuddle with him and a unicorn during a classic movie, all our carebear dreams would come true.

Other Notable Hotties

Hardave Birk: This UofC VP External fella wants to have Ekat’s babies, who can blame him? Plus, he has a freaking tumblr, that’s like the key to our hearts.

Nikki Harris: She has the best title ever, SOOO jealous…VP Princess Street. Yes, this is legit, apparently it’s some campus in Manitoba. Who wouldn’t want to date a princess, fellas?

We hope you’ve all gotten your fix of some serious eye candy, because the agenda for this conference is hella boring. And to all you delegates we skipped over, including our very own, forgive us. To those we did include, please don’t sue us. To everyone reading this from another student union who has never read Confidential before…start your own goddamn VoterMedia already! UNICORNS4EVER, SPARKLE TOGETHER <3

WE CAN HAZ MONIEZ!

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Here are the results for the AMS Referendum!

13,574 voted with 28.9% turnout…huge increase since the 7800 on Wednesday.

Housekeeping bylaws- YES – meaning we can have quorum for 500 people instead of 1000.
AMS Bylaws – NO – failed to meet quorum
U-Pass – YES – 95% yes, with 678 students who didn’t want the U-Pass
Tuition policy – YES -meaning Council will now think about if they want to lobby for lower tuition, will probably not act on it.
AMS Fees – YES – students voted 52% to 48% to increase the majority of students fees by $5. THE AMS IS SAVED.

It is a happy day for all those involved in any kind of activity at UBC…we’re not exactly sure how they pulled this off but they did! Congratulations!! Now, off to go drink ourselves silly. We’ll probably do something more in depth at a later date, but depending on how drunk we get this weekend, we might not. HEART YOU, READERS.

15 Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Vote in the AMS Referendum

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Have you ever dated someone who is passive aggressive? It’s pretty much the most annoying thing in the world, and almost impossible to change. Kind of like the 92% of students who haven’t yet voted in the AMS Referendum. At first I was quite annoyed because the Referendum committee is sucking balls (last referendum ~23K students voted), but then I decided to just be passive aggressive like all the other students who haven’t voted yet. So, here’s why you shouldn’t vote:

#1 Democracy is a failure, at least, that’s what I’ve learned by reading Plato and shit. Also, something about a cave.

#2 I don’t drink alcohol, therefore I never get to enjoy $9.50 pitchers on campus.

#3 I’m celibate, so I never have to go to the Pit on Wednesdays to try and get laid. I also never use the AMS health plan to cover my birth control pills. Or cold medicine. Or antibiotics.

#4 My parents pay my tuition, so I don’t care if there’s a student society to lobby to the government about student loans, student aid, and shit like that.

#5 I’m graduating soon, so I don’t care about the $108 million brand new awesome SUB that is going to be built.

#6 All the VFM blogs are stupid, and I don’t like unicorns, therefore I don’t care if unicorn hack blogs exist.

some people draw devil horns on their exes, we think unicorn horns are cuter.

#7 I don’t like cheap but good food on campus, and I especially hate blue chip cookies.

okay, these look seriously so awesome.

#8 I never use the cheap Whistler Lodge. Whistler is stupid.

#9 I’m super smart so I don’t use the services, like free tutoring.

#10 Nobody reads The Ubyssey.

#11 I never get sick, so I never use the AMS health plan for prescriptions. I have perfect eyesight and teeth, too.

#12 I have no friends, so I’m not a member of any clubs that would benefit from a Club Benefits Fund.

#13 I hate getting drunk at outdoor concerts like Block Party and Welcome Back BBQ (and thus have never made out with Mike Duncan)

#14 I hate the earth. Screw a sustainability fee, worms are stupid.

#15 I never use my mother fucking U-Pass.

Oh, plus: I will never be sexually assaulted, and none of my friends will. Because I can totally control that, so there’s no need for me to consult with the Sexual Assault Support Centre.

Yeah, so, there’s probably at least one reason why you should vote for the “$5” increase. I’m going to go drink cheap beer now.

For more information on the referendum, check out our page here.

Video Killed the VM Star

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Something that we can’t do as a VoterMedia blog (okay, something we can’t do well, if you remember our endorsement video) is create really cool videos that are sure to become! viral! and create! student! engagement!

However, what we can do is showcase/make fun of them all for you.

For more information on the referendum, check out our 2011 AMS Referendum page.

Case Study #1: What the Fuck is Tilt Shift, Anyway?

The AMS commissioned a super cool video to be made so that thousands of students will see it and get super stoked to vote in the AMS Referendum. I’m sorry, but I don’t understand what is so cool about this “tilt shift” thing. Apparently it is supposed to make UBC look like a menacing Polly Pocket but instead it just looks like you filmed from really far away. Yeah, I’m probably going to fail my Film Studies class.

Case Study #2: Awwwh, look at that cute kid who wants to be President!

This wins best video, hands down. Major props to the NO campaign for not shelling out thousands to create a video and doing a damn good job about it. This video takes on the spirit of American political ads, that is, not everything is true (Jeremy was sarcastically joking about his salary raise, for example). But, the little costume beard, black and white effect, and political seal are really all it takes to make this shit hilarious. Bitches are suckers for those chubby cheeks, right?

Our friends over at SyrupTrap have this to say:

Regardless of how you plan to vote this week, this video from the ‘Vote NO For AMS Fees But Yes On The UPass’ campaign probably won’t convince you to do anything except maybe thank your parents that you don’t have to live with a younger brother that is this annoying (and to shout at them if you do). The creators of the video use some younger kid to stand in for Jeremy McElroy, apparently making the argument that the AMS President’s request that you vote ‘Yes’ sounds equally ridiculous coming from both peoples’ mouths. What this video really does, however, is annoy the shit out of us.

Case Study #3: The Semi-Inspirational Video

The Ubyssey made a video of their own (OMG their video editor is awesome, have you seen his shit?) in an attempt to use their earned media to inspire the masses. Thumbs up for the flashy text and dolla dolla dolla bills signs, yo.

Case Study #4: The Presidential Videos

These VOTE YES videos are purely informational. Props to Jeremy for the purple shirt, but oh god that music is annoying. This is Jeremy talking about the fees, and there’s a whole slew of others talking about FAQs on their YouTube channel. Watch if you have the hots for Elin or Jeremy, otherwise it’s probably faster and more entertaining to read information.

Voting For Dummies: How To Use WebVote

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We’re voting in the referendum using WebVote, this ancient system that is motherfucking annoying. Follow the pretty pictures so even the stupidest/highest of you can figure it out.

Vote Now on WebVote

Figure out how:

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The First Annual Flamingos

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Awards season appears to be over with the climax of The Oscars…or is it? Full disclosure, I was too busy watching the Justin Bieber movie instead of the Academy Awards, so I don’t really know what kind of competition we’re up against here. Anyway, here’s AMS Confidential’s take on the last years entertainment in council chambers. We give you…The Flamingos.

[image redacted to protect people doing better things with their lives now]

Brittany Perna was elected as the International Students Rep, and at her first meeting the AMS decided to axe the position altogether for next year’s elections. BritBrit still could have retained her seat for the whole year, lobbying for the international kids and all, but chose to skip all the council meetings instead.

Elin Tayyar never failed to make us swoon with his hipster style every meeting. Just look at this photo, it’s like pixel sex. And seriously, who else do you know who can rock PLAID pants?

Bijan Ahmadian doesn’t win a flamingo, but hey, this is us being nice to him. We could have said a lot of other things, but we just really don’t like this shirt. Or his fur lined jackets. Or his cuffed jeans, etc.

Amanda Li is fierce. Not only is she super hot, she’s also an engineer. Besides having to put up with guys all the time and a severe lack of ladies, she is also President of the EUS and can probably outdrink every other non-engineer guy on council. Who wouldn’t tap that?

Michael Haack wasn’t elected as VP Admin, but unlike every other person who doesn’t get elected, he decided to run in the AUS Elections for AMS Rep. Since then, Michael has gotten involved in a lot of committees and has grown from being somewhat knollie to being a good leader-of-the-opposition type of guy. We were really sad he didn’t run for VP Admin again, and it’s been fun watching him evolve into a cute little butterfly over the last year.

Ben Cappellacci came on the scene as a relative no one to anyone not in Sauder. At first we thought he was your typical frat guy, but over the year we’ve found out that he is so much more than that. Ladies, he is also single. Ben worked really hard this year on a whole bunch of things – like implementing Credit/D/Fail but most notably for lobbying on the Land Use Plan. He stepped in to fill Bijan’s shoes by leading the referendum committee and was overall stellar at pretty much everything he did, especially for having no earlier hack experience. We already miss him, and his ridiculous tweets on Wednesday nights.

Oh, Ryan Trasolini. Pretty sure that he is at the point now where he just wants to forget that he was ever involved in AMS politics. However, let’s reminiscence: after his election resulted in a tie, with the tie breaker being cast for the other candidate, he appealed. After the appeal didn’t go the way he wanted, he went to student court, where they tried to throw out the entire election. Then Brian Platt stepped down in order for the AUS Executive to vote to appoint an interim President, and Ryan brought some of his frat friends to proxy and vote for him so he could win. After that, he got to be AUS President, woopdeedoo, where they got their account frozen for operating without a budget. But back to the AMS – Ryan was the chair of the Student Life Committee which was supposed to be dealing with the Block Party fiasco and making a plan for it to be fiscally sustainable. Turns out that he didn’t do any of this, leaving Crystal Hon to pick up the pieces in just a few weeks. We advise Ryan to just stick to spinning sick beats in the future.

Have some other suggestions for The Flamingos? Leave in the comments or email to amsconfidential [at] gmail.com

Don’t forget to vote for us in VoterMedia, right here!