Your campaign interpretation guide: Poster fun!

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Campaigning started bright ‘n early this morning, and the halls & classrooms are already plastered with posters of varying size and attractiveness. Clearly, a number of people were verrrrry busy with Photoshop over the weekend. This editor couldn’t help but note that by as early as 9ish, Buchanan B had a heavy emphasis on the presidential campaign: every classroom on the second floor had both a Bijan and a Nat Swift poster; Sean Kim trailed in third by choosing specific areas (although we have to doubt the wisdom of ‘top of the recyling bin’ as a location). No doubt dedicated volunteers spent long hours to ensure that we were confronted with the smiling faces of hacks wherever we may go, although we can’t help but wonder what measures were necessary to keep toiling fingers at the button machines.

This seemed like a better idea in the strategy meeting.

In these dizzying times, it can be hard to properly analyze campaign media sources. That’s why, after the jump, we’ve given you our Handy Dandy Campaign Poster Field Guide. It’s the definitive resource to identifying, classifying, and ultimately analyzing the campaign materials with which you’re about to be, for lack of a better term, flyerfucked.

Should you, by the way, notice that we’ve an important subgroup, let us know in the comments. Did I mention we love the shit out of comments? OH BOY COMMENTS.

FYI: Use of campaign materials for the purposes of this post does not constitute an endorsement in any way, shape, or form. Duh.

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Red Hot News Media

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Slow news weekend? Nonsense. Here at AMS Confidential, we’ve uncovered a bushel bask of RED HOT TIPS for your perusal. We’re totally like Gillian Anderson as Agent Scully: hot stuff, hot on the case. Except, you know, there’s two of us. And we’re pretty sure K is Agent Mulder.

It’s important to note before we reveal this information that we’re aware some of it is pretty hush-hush. We thought long and hard before letting this out into the open, well aware that we were running a risk in revealing this to the public too soon. Some of you may not be able to handle the level of scandal we’re about to reveal—for those with weak hearts, we advise taking it in small doses, perhaps by covering part of your monitor with a piece of paper and slowly sliding it down to reveal wee, bite-sized pieces of dirty linen.

IT JUST WON'T DIE (Gerald Deo photo)

Tim Chu’s commitment to his mandate is impeccable: he’s got, like, two whole referenda! Referenda he’d kind of pledged to do anyway! He wants the AMS to “actively lobby” for less tuition and more government funding—because currently, they think it’s totally okay for those things to happen! or something like that wherein tuition fees rise as the value of the dollar drops, so you’re not actually paying any more real dollars! but the number is bigger! it’s important! Also, disabilities.

Mike Duncan is Natalie Swift’s advisor! Sasa Pudar (UBC Spectator) is running Jeremy McElroy’s campaign! Running a campaign does not constitute a conflict of interest! (We think.)

While we’re at it, the following people are rumoured to have potentially conflicting relationships:

Bijan Ahmadian & Ben Cappellacci
Jeremy McElroy & the Entire Goddamn Ubyssey
Me & Your Mom
Johannes Rebane & Stas Pavlov

He also loves babies, waxing.

Joke candidates past and present, take note, we are calling you out: Jeremy McElroy is Kommander Keg! Geoff Costeloe is the Comrade! And—OMG—hottie Student At Large Nick Fitzgerald is the Invisible Man. Or, at least, his translator.

Blake Frederick & Bijan = NOT BFFs

The Entire Ubyssey Board of Directors = in the same frat. Except for Blake.

And, in case you didn’t know—Johannes Rebane is really, really mean. Really, really, reallllllly mean.

caption contest in the comments, yo

Got any more breaking news for us? Leave it in the comments! I’m gonna go drink.

…or, rather: I’m gonna go drink!!1!!1!

(Editor’s Note: Issues That Matter is concerned about our journalistic integrity. Of which we obviously have shit tonnes of. We don’t kiss and tell, but we do like to drink beer after council meetings. In case you wanted to know, as we know you are so concerned with our unbias)

Bijan withdraws; it's all our fault.

scan-da-lous!

lulz of the day.

Wonkettes we ain't.

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What’s this? A post without pictures?

Well, yes. VFM got an email today with some shiny new potential referenda, much less sexy than the old referenda. And sadly—not because we’re ladies, but because we’re normal forward-thinking people—legislative procedures make our heads hurt. We had to consult codemonkeys to bring you this highly scientific breakdown of What Might Be on Your Ballot:

NUMBER ONE!

What It Says:

1) “Do you support the amendment of the AMS Bylaws as presented, based on the recommendations of a consultant hired to review the operations of Student Court, for the purpose of revising the rules concerning Student Court? This revision would make Court decisions binding as soon as they are sent to Student Council, increase the amount of the fine the Court could levy on individuals, require that the Court include judges from faculties other than Law, and remove the Court’s power to interpret the AMS bylaws and its power to rewrite referendum questions.”

What It Means:

Fees: Revises the upper limit of the fees student court can impose. Currently this is $10.00—not exactly a deterrent.
Finality: In 2008, Crompton v. Elections Commissioner (ie: LougheedGate), Council overruled student court and overturned their verdict. These changes would mean that this could no longer happen.
Power to interpret: if you and someone else have a disagreement on the interpretation of a piece of code, you would normally, a la Civics class, ask the judicial branch (aka Court). Questions like these would now be referred to the Legislative Procedures Committee, currently headed by our Chairman Naylor.
Referenda questions: The court decides what a “clear question” is—important when presenting to an unengaged student body. Changes indicate that this would now be Naylor & the Legislators’ problem. (BTW: band name?)
Composition: Some changes to the composition of the court would be prescribed—namely, that of its seven judges, at least two must be from faculties other than Law. (But how will they pad their resumes now??)

NUMBER TWO!

What It Says:

2) “Do you support the amendment of the AMS Bylaws as presented, based on the recommendations of a special AMS joint committee, for the purpose of revising the rules concerning Student Court? This revision would eliminate alternate judges, require that there be judges from at least two faculties hearing any case, and set out new rules for referendum questions.”

What It Means:

See No. 5, above, with minor changes which don’t concern you, peon.

Of course, all this fun times & happiness may turn out to be for naught, depending on whose interpretation of elections bylaws wins. (See, we told you this wasn’t sexy.) In order to put these beauties on the ballot, they need to be motioned up by Council. Problem is, the deadline for referenda is the 15th—five whole days before Council next meets. And since elections code, as we’ve learned, is writ in steel, well.

But hey, at least you learned something about your student society today! Namely, that there’s a very real reason we pay people to have a vested interest in this stuff.

(With files from our Very Secret Expert, who can totally apply to us to have his name on this post.)

Our loins are aching…

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for this hot piece of Bijan ass!

so flexible!

Bijan, aka Sex on a Stick, has obviously been practicing his Bennnnd and SNAP! in preparation to swoon the ladies and gentlemen of UBC beginning January 18. The above pornography ballet performance was leaked and we can’t help wondering what fun he likes to have NOT in clothes? For this, Bijan is our Total Dreamboat of the hour or so. <3

so bendy!

Our Hearts Splutter Hyperactively

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As anyone who was within a 30-foot radius of our collective ear-splitting shriek this morning knows,

WE HIT THREE PER CENT TODAY

in the Continuous VFM. (Vote here!) THREE WHOLE PER CENT. It is like a gift from heaven, except it is from you all.

With tears in our eyes and booze on our breath (yeah, Mariah got nothing on us), we’d like to thank the Academy, our agent, our publicist, and all the wonderful candidates who have worked so hard to be so very, very sparkle-able.

Speaking of which, we have a Very Special Three Per Cent Thank You for all of you, our lovely viewers. We’re proud to present our very first BREAKING NEWS EXCLUSIVE:

Interesting… and brilliant… and mysterious… and perfect… and beautiful… and possibly able to lift full-sized vans with one hand.

About three things we are absolutely positive. First, Edward is a vampire. Second, there’s part of him — and we don’t know how potent that part might be — that thirsts for our blood. And third, we are unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.

Thanks for voting, charming viewers.

So You Think You Can Hack?

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If you’re the average UBC student, you are most likely not interested in AMS politics. That is, until the UN invaded and you received a gluttony of emails regarding ridiculous issues and media stunts, er… human rights violations?

You may have joined a Facebook group or two, perhaps turned out to the emergency Saturday meeting that called to Impeach the Beast/defend Human Rights and Progressive Leadership at UBC, by gum! Now there’s sexy referenda, impeachment is still the hot word, and lo and behold there’s ELECTIONS in which you can actually HAVE A VOICE in this manner.

We here at Cute Teddy Bears and Unicorns are anticipating a hot election season, perhaps even too sexy for the AMS’ shirt. Want to join the hot hot heat? Here’s what you need to do if you want to jump into this ridiculous, hot mess of a circus.

Have an extensive vocabulary. Learn some new words, like hack, or BIRT and its bigger cousin, BIFRT. Dare we say it—practice your Naylorisms.
Dress well. Or, dress horrible. Either way, you need to have some signature clothing piece or style, be this berets (Naylor, Jeremy), empire waists (Crystal), shirt/sweater combo (Tim), UBC paraphernalia (Duncan, Johannes), or the hack essential: argyle (Blake). Please, avoid the tapered khakis. If in doubt, you can always throw on a plaid shirt and skinny jeans (Mitch, Natalie), or grab some glasses/grow facial hair (nearly all of the above).
Drink beer.
Find something you’re passionate about. Want more beer, more housing, less clothing, higher tuition? You don’t have to be an expert—lord knows none of these people started that way. Just pick something, read a little bit on it, show up to a few meetings, and pretend like you know everything.
At some point in this process, we recommend you learn rudimentary English, like public speaking. Don’t worry about spelling or grammar too much—some of the AMS’ finest never bothered.
Join random student groups, whether it’s to make friends, or meet people who will vote for you, or both. Or, perhaps, to find a hot piece of ass.
Put those beer-drinking skills to use by hooking up with an established hack. Trust us—you totally won’t regret it. (Much.)
Be nice to the media. Buy them treats. Sexy lingerie. Fine wines. Or just vote for them every chance you get.
Remember: You Are Always Right. And when you’re not, it was a media stunt.

See, it really isn’t that difficult to fit in. So check our Events page and jump into this hacktastic arena.

lulz of the day

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Thanks to a cute little birdie and his tweet, we’ve stumbled upon some EPIC FORESHADOWING.
This post was written back when the Executive was a little sexier and included this resolution for 2010 2008:

At EAT CAKE, we– and by we I mean I, but we sounds so much cooler– solemnly resolve to never stop making fun of people who treat the AMS like it was the United Nations.

Lots of love to this fellow unicorn lover, and take in the hilarity.

PS- Presidential candidate Sean Kim was disqualified for not having 50 verified student numbers. Now, he’s reinstated. Long live handwriting!

Canadian Unicorns