This post is part of a series beginning with Tales of a Sabbatical: On Becoming a Student of Drawing, Part 1. For February and March 2026, I was a student in CDSR 100 Introduction to Drawing (Continuing Studies) at Emily Carr University of Art and Design. Throughout, I kept and analyzed a journal, in preparation for a Scholarly Personal Narrative (Ng & Carney, 2017) paper. The question guiding my research is: What are my lived experiences of being a student in a new (to me) discipline? What follows is part of my preparation, a narrative portrait (Rodríguez-Dorans & Jacobs, 2020) with reflection in the style of Brookfield (2017, Chapter 9).
Emotional Beginnings
The night before class started I noted various emotions ranging from excitement and hopefulness, annoyance at the complexities of the registration system, “a little disappointed that the original teacher was swapped out last minute but open to someone new,” and “a little anxious about the other people – who will they be? How will they impact my learning?” I arrived to class prepared and early. The first hour “I am in my element” with familiar classroom guideposts including a lesson plan, syllabus, and paired introductions. Then we began drawing. At first, drawing our own hand without looking at it “is supposed to look weird” so that was fun.
Then came the admission, while physically shaking, that
“the last 40ish minutes with timed gestural drawings [was] overwhelming! I almost cried! I couldn’t “do it” – shapes wouldn’t come – where even to start? What do I choose? How? and yes… everyone else LOOKED like they were so confident and skilled… and at the end their pieces were just so varied… and it doesn’t matter and it does!… Gesture seems like there was a code to crack and I couldn’t figure it out…. OH. MY. THIS. IS. A. LOT. Daily homework practice. Tempted, a tiny part, to back away.”
The next day, “recognizing I didn’t feel like I got enough from class to figure out what “gesture” was so I did what my students do – google! I get it now, why they do that. AND I’m also aware that what I’m finding on google might not be what this particular teacher defines as gesture. So I’m practicing, but am I practicing what I am supposed to be practicing?”
| Impact on understanding teaching and learning. This portrait illustrates the intense emotions of beginning a new course. I experienced confidence from my fluency with classroom scripts, and comfort talking to (fellow) students. Yet asked to perform an unfamiliar discipline undermined that confidence severely, leading to intensely negative emotions. I criticized myself because I felt incapable, in part because classmates appeared confident. So often I have reminded students that classmates’ appearances of confidence does not mean they are doing any better, that they might be feeling just as uncertain. Yet my confidence, too, was shaken by trying something, feeling like I was failing, and looking to others who seemed to know more. The impact on my motivation “to back away” was real. I didn’t, perhaps because I’ve learned over time that negative emotions of fear and insecurity are part of the learning process, and the worst thing to do for my future learning is to avoid practicing. Then a curious thing happened. My teacher had not given me more resources to understand, so I channeled my fragile motivation to search the internet. How often have I cautioned against internet searching, because students might find something that steers them off (my) course? Yet my motivation was there, and tenuous. If I didn’t find some sort of support, I may have avoided practice out of frustration. What I found online (especially LineofAction) became a life-line of hope by offering more detailed instructions and practice prompts. Can the textbook be that for students? What about the list of resources I have curated? |
| Meaning for my Practice. This experience (and reflecting on it) has helped me re-appreciate how important those first few days can be for students emotionally, with consequences for their beliefs about their ability, motivation to persist through the messy first steps of learning, for social dynamics in the classroom, and for resources. What has become routine and even pleasantly familiar for me is, of course, not at all routine for my students. I will re-examine my pre-class outreach and lesson plans and supplemental resources for care for the potentially widely varied and consequential emotional experiences students may have during those first days. Do and can I build in students a sense of competence and belonging from Day 1? How might I counter inclinations for demotivating self-criticism from social comparison? |


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