Tag Archives: loneliness

October 28, 2012 · 10:27 pm

Meeting People vs. Making Friends

I’m assuming that by now everyone has heard of whatweshouldcallubc.tumblr.com; I discovered it last week and went through the whole thing. Something that stuck out to me was a post about how people are “dying of loneliness”, and there was at least one other consisting of upper year students also saying how they’d only just found their place or still haven’t.

It made me think about how 1) it’s very common to not find your niche immediately as some people feel they should, and 2) how it’s very common for various organizations on campus to shove lots of ways to meet people down your throat and saying “Yes making friends is so easy here, you’ll have a group in no time.” Because seriously, meeting people and making friends with people are two very different things.

Some good ways of meeting people include:

  • Introducing yourself to the people you sit near in your classes.
  • Attending residence/AMS events.
  • Hanging around in common areas, if you’re in residence.
  • Joining an intramural team, or participating in other UBC REC events.
  • Joining a club.
  • Chatting up random people in line for Starbucks or at the bus stop.
  • Wearing a nerdy t-shirt. It’s amazing how many nerds who love the same stuff you can attract.

It’s true, the above list is slightly skewed towards on-campus students. It’s an unfortunate fact, but if you want to meet people as a commuter, you have to put in effort. It evens out in the end though, because here’s the thing about making friends: it takes effort. Except for a few exceptionally outgoing individuals who are certainly not me, meeting someone does not equal being friends with them.

Some good ways of making friends with people (a skill that I am always trying to improve upon):

  • Initiate conversation. I know you want them to start talking to you, that you want to feel like they like you, but realistically they’re probably sitting there thinking the same thing. And if you don’t speak up, no one will. And friendships generally aren’t born out of silence. (Not good at speaking to other humans? Start with, “Hey, how are you?” And ask questions. Ask them about their weekend, any exciting plans coming up, ask them about themselves, their preferences. Don’t give up, it takes practice.)
  • Arrange a time to meet up where you can have some solid get-to-know you time. The five minutes before class starts does not count. Go for coffee, have a movie marathon in your dorm room, explore downtown, see a concert you’re both interested in, a one-on-one study session. Or it could be a group thing, too.
  • Get their number and text them. Don’t be creepy or obsessive, but some casual banter can keep you on their radar and if you’re scared to ask them to hang out it can take some pressure off.
  • Do/say nice things. People like people who make them feel good. Again, don’t paint their name on the side of the clock tower, but compliments and remembering their birthday or saving them a seat can go a long way.
  • Meeting people and making friends go together best when you meet people in a place where you’re doing something you’re interested in; lots of the time they have the same mindset as you and you’ll have something to talk about and do together.

It kind of sounds like I’m giving dating advice here, but honestly, a good friendship takes nearly as much effort as a romantic relationship.  If you don’t go out looking, most of the time, it isn’t going to land in your lap. Lots of people I know have made friends through their classes, and I met most of my friends through residence and knitting club.  It’s not guaranteed that you’ll click with every person you make an effort to talk to, but if you never try, then you’ll never know.  Just keep trying, because your kindred spirit is out there, looking for you too.

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September 7, 2012 · 6:57 pm

Bad Days. (The Survival Guide)

They happen. Maybe you got lost on your way to class, can’t seem to make friends, spill your perogies all over the dining hall floor, failed a test, just miss your mom, or maybe you’re like me and royally screwed up your orchestra audition meaning you won’t get to play the absolutely beautiful piece you really wanted or go on tour to San Francisco with the Symphonic Wind Ensemble. Yeah. That happened.  I don’t really enjoy crying in public places, though you might be able to tell by the amount that I actually do it.

So take heart; you aren’t the only one who just can’t seem to anything right now and then.  It’ll pass, and until then here is my guide to making yourself feel at least a little bit better.

1. If you need to cry, just do it. I am a self-proclaimed cry-baby, and I always find that if I just let it out, that lump in my chest loosens up a little. My pillow and I are good friends.

2. Call your mom.  It’s kind of what she’s there for, you know? I mean, it’s totally true: Mom knows best. My mom can always make me feel a little better; she’s one of the few people who when she says, “It’s going to be okay,” I actually believe her.

3. Watch a movie/TV show that makes you feel good. Something funny and feel-good will take your mind off things and relax you a bit. My personal favourites for movie-therapy are Miss Congeniality and How to Train Your Dragon.

4. Comfort food. Perhaps not the healthiest habit, but so long as you don’t go overboard, comfort food can just fill your mouth with happiness. And hopefully the happiness spreads to your brain a little bit. For me, this includes cookies, hot chocolate, quesadillas, chicken soup, perogies, and ice cream. (Not necessarily all at once.) When your day is filled with poo, it helps to fill it a little more with awesome things.

5. Comfy clothes. Nothing feels better when you feel down than chilling in your favourite comfy clothes. In summer, I don my short shorts and spaghetti strap tank top (what I am wearing at this moment) and in the winter, sweat pants and fuzzy socks! And blankets. Can’t forget blankets. (Side note: fuzzy socks make my life. Instant happiness when my feet get all up in that soft and fluffy goodness.)

6. Time with friends. Just hanging out like nothing wrong can take the edge off, and maybe actually convince you that nothing is wrong. Laughter, as they say, is the best medicine!

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September 1, 2012 · 6:51 pm

Happy Move-In Day!

I hope everyone’s move in went well and you’re all settling nicely :)

I remember when I moved in last year, I was both really excited and really nervous. And pretty lonely. But that kicked in more later. Everyone I met was really nice, but I was in a strange place without my parents for the first time.  I remember the first week or so felt like some weird summer camp where the RA’s were like counsellors and everyone was pretending to be much more mature and much less scared than they actually were.

Of course, there were lots of people whose mentality was “Woohoo! No more parents! Finally!” And I commend those people. However, if you are not one of those people, you aren’t the only one. I promise. Everyone else is just pretending they’re not nervous too.

But you know something? You’re going to be okay. You’re going to be better than okay. If you get homesick, phone your mom. It always made me feel way better. And it’s going to get better as time passes – especially once classes start in 3 days, because you’ll be too busy to be lonely! I always get the loneliest when there’s nothing to do.

If you’re nervous about the work load, just think about this: you were good enough to get to UBC, you’re good enough to do well here. It’s true that on typically a student’s average will drop about 10% in university, but that happens to everyone, and with good time management you should be fine.  Not to mention there are lots of resources to take advantage of when you need help.

And wanna know a secret? When my parents left this morning, I felt a bit nervous too. This will be my first year cooking for myself, and things are going to be pretty crazy at the beginning of September. But I survived last year – thrived, really – and this year is going to be even better. I can handle what’s coming my way. And so can you, even if maybe your brain isn’t quite convinced just yet.

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September 8, 2011 · 4:48 pm

The Truth

Okay, so I’ve read some of the other blog posts on the blog squad page, and from what I’ve been reading, most people’s attitudes are generally OMG EVERYTHING IS SO AWESOME and WONDERFUL and INSPIRING and PERFECT and I maybe had one moment of doubt BUT THEN IT WAS GONE and now EVERYTHING IS PERFECT!!!!!

Okay, so I exaggerate a little.  But generally I’m finding that people are all talking about all the good things, and pretending that there is nothing bad.

That’s typically what I’m finding is the case with most of the people I’ve met from my first year class; everyone is intensely lonely but at the same time pretends they’re very happy and have no doubt about coming to UBC and are SOOOO glad to move out of home.  Well, pretending is not my job.  No sir.  So here is what I’m going through, and I expect that many of you out there are having a similar time.

I am very homesick.  My home, my friends, my family, my boyfriend, are all more than a thousand kilometres away.  The food here is decent, but it’s nothing like a home-cooked meal.  It’s pretty terrifying to have to constantly looking out for myself, because I miss things and make mistakes, which I’ve already done.  Giving my harp teacher my home number and not my cell was a really nice touch to that one.  I don’t know anyone here, and I get really lonely.  I don’t know many people in my classes, and the ones I do have very different schedules from me, so I often just end up eating lunch by myself.  I start to wonder if coming here and doing a music degree is really what I want anymore.  I wind up with a lot of time and nothing to do with it, and the homesickness is always the worst then.

I’m sure I’m not the only one, and it amazes me how everyone goes on about how they couldn’t wait for their parents to leave and all of that.  For those of you right now who are very concerned, I am getting better.  Honestly, I am sure it’s a matter of getting used to everything, and making good friends DOES take a long time, especially for someone shy like me.  And ones classes get going (and get more interesting) I’ll have homework and studying to fill up my time.

Basically, what I want to say is, if you, like me, are lonely, you aren’t the only one.  I know it doesn’t make it go away, but just know everyone around isn’t nearly as self-assured as they appear to be.

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